10 Dwight Schrute Quotes to Make You Laugh Today

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I’ve been consistently watching The Office for about 2-weeks now. I mean that literally. I just play it in the background no matter where I am – work, driving, in the shower-whatever.

What can I say? It makes me happy.

If you haven’t seen the show, I highly recommend you hop on that. If you don’t like the show, you had no business clicking on this article to begin with so you can leave, promptly.

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I’ve decided that for today, Dwight is my favorite character. That’s likely to change tomorrow, but we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.

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Here are 10 funny Dwight quotes to get you through the rest of your Tuesday:

“I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable. Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doing a goat, couple of pigs watching.”

“I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War II veteran, killed twenty men, and spent the rest of the war in an Allied prison camp. My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight.”

“Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.”

“People say, ‘oh it’s dangerous to keep weapons in the home, or the workplace.’ Well I say, it’s better to be hurt by someone you know, accidentally, than by a stranger, on purpose.”

“The principle is sound. To avoid illness, expose yourself to germs, enabling your immune system to develop antibodies. I don’t know why everyone doesn’t do this… Maybe they have something against living forever.”

“No, don’t call me a hero. Do you know who the real heroes are? The guys who wake up every morning and go into their normal jobs, and get a distress call from the Commissioner and take off their glasses and change into capes and fly around fighting crime. Those are the real heroes.”

“Nothing stresses me out. Except having to seek the approval of my inferiors.”

“I don’t have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor’s dog.”

“All you need is love. False. The four basic human necessities are air, water, food, and shelter.”

“There are a huge number of yeast infections in this county. Probably because we’re downriver from that old bread factory.”

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