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36 Thoughts About Returning To Work After A Long Holiday Weekend

Ahh, the long holiday weekend. Pure bliss. Sleeping in. Relaxing. Partying. Beers. Cookouts. Friends and family. It’s a welcome reprieve from the rat race, a reminder of the good things in life that make all the stress and nonsense worth it. I’m not sure who invented the concept of the long holiday weekend, but they deserve a Nobel, a Pulitzer, and an Oscar. I’m psychically sending them soft kisses on their forehead right now. God bless the long holiday weekend.

However, there is a downside. Of course, that would be returning to the grind after a long holiday weekend. Scraping yourself out of bed. The commute. Staring blankly at your computer screen. Suddenly noticing all the tics and quirks of your coworkers that you were able to tolerate before, but now drive you to madness. Sadly, the long holiday weekend can never truly be long enough. We always want more.

As an act of solidarity, I compiled my thoughts from this morning as I bid a bitter, sad adieu to this most recent long holiday weekend and dragged my sorry ass back to the NewsCult offices. Perhaps this list can be helpful to someone, teach them to truly appreciate the long holiday weekend while you’ve got it in your grasp? But more likely it’ll be used by my bosses as an excuse to not hire me full-time once the summer is over. In any case, here are 36 thoughts about returning to work after a long holiday weekend.

  1. Are mornings usually this bright?
  2. Is my alarm always this jarringly loud?
  3. Why do my burps still taste like hot dogs?
  4. Cheap beer hangovers are the worst.
  5. Can I get away with wearing swim trunks to the office?
  6. Five day weekends should be a thing.
  7. Of course the train is late. Of course.
  8. Are children genetically designed to seek me out and block my way?
  9. The Dunkin Donuts lady is never going to get my order right, is she?
  10. Walking uphill sucks. I hate it.
  11. I’m three minutes late and I’m dying inside because of it.
  12. Everyone I work with either yells or mumbles. Talk like a human being, goddammit.
  13. Who the fuck is Fifth Harmony and why am I writing about them?
  14. I’m only 30 but this office makes me feel like I’m an ancient old man.
  15. I kinda know who Kylie Jenner is, but why am I writing about them?
  16. Why do I always wait until it’s lukewarm to eat my bagel?
  17. Ugh, does everyone hear me chewing? I’m a monster.
  18. So. Tired. So. Sleepy.
  19. Great, now I’ve got to spend 20 minutes watching a John Oliver segment. That should eat up a chunk of the day.
  20. I will crumble into dust before I’m able to write more than one sentence of this Pretty Little Liars article.
  21. Sweet, sweet Poland Springs water. Nectar of life.
  22. I don’t trust people who laugh after everything they say.
  23. I don’t think I hate Adolf Hitler as much as my boss hates Kirsten Dunst.
  24. Just found out my coworker was born in 1997 and I want to die.
  25. Time to sit in the bathroom for five minutes.
  26. Damn, how did I not notice that pimple this morning?
  27. I’ll just walk out of here as if everyone doesn’t know I was just pooping. It’s an unspoken social contract.
  28. What language is my boss speaking?
  29. Is my boss a secret Russian mobster?
  31. “9 Ways to Cleanse Your Soul and Become A New You For Bikini Season”? Fucking seriously?
  32. I wonder if I can talk her down to 8.
  33. I really need to talk her down to 7 here.
  34. I don’t think I hate Adolph Hitler, Osama Bin Laden, and Donald Trump combined as much as my boss hates Tobey Maguire.
  35. WordPress just crashed! As I was putting this dumbass listicle in pending!
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