I just finished my junior year in college, at a fairly large school. With around 17,000-ish people, I see many different types of people on my walks to and from class alone. But to be fair, a visual representation isn’t alway the most accurate way to identify a douchebag.
Douchebags are more easily identified by their words and actions rather than their appearances. Some people are just naturally douchebags; you can tell it when you first talk to them. But for others, you have to see them in action in order to classify what kind of douchebag they are.
I’ve witnessed all the kinds of douchebags I’m about to list. Some are more tolerable than others, but a few of them are downright insufferable. I hope they change as they realize maybe some of their shit does actually stink in the real world.
The frat-boy douchebag
The most common one. You can spot these guys in Vineyard Vines apparel wearing a pair of Sperry’s. If they’re not wearing a backwards hat, then their hair is filled to the brim with gel and/or pomade. They join fraternities because of their severe cases of FOMO when it comes to drinking and just overall mayhem. They’re really only obnoxious during the social scene, but to be fair, sometimes they can create a lot of fun. I’d argue they’re some of the more tolerable douchebags.
The “I bang so many chicks” douchebag
The younger brother of the frat-boy douchebag. These douchebags go out to parties and the bar solely to get laid. They hit up girls solely to see if they’ll be going to the bar. At the bar, they do nothing but buy drinks for girls and attempt to hit on them, hoping they’ll maybe get laid that night. If the girl either walks away or leaves the bar, he’ll call her a bitch just because of the fact she won’t sleep with him. And the next time he sees you, he’ll remember that you didn’t sleep with him, and will pay you no business.
The douchebag roommate
The one I have the most experience with. When I was a sophomore, I lived with easily the most insufferable person I’ve ever met. This dude had no respect for the fact that not only did he share a room with me, he also shared a suite with my two other friends. He once woke me up at 2 A.M. to sexile me to my living room. I wasn’t entirely angered because of this, because I had a living room to stay in. But if that had happened in a dorm, I would’ve told him to find a different place, because I wasn’t leaving. He also never took out the garbage, washed his dishes, and hogged all the refrigerator space. I wound up having to move to a different apartment because of this guy. Arguably the worst kind of douchebag, because depending on the situation, you might have to be around this kind of douchebag your entire day.
The 4.0 douchebag
Never goes out or has any fun. If you ask them to go out, they’ll make up the easy “I have to study” excuse. And when you try to convince them to come with you, you’ll get the “I have a 4.o GPA, I don’t want to mess this up.” Unless it’s finals or midterms week, that’s a bullshit excuse; all schoolwork and studying is reserved for Sundays only. They’ll likely go out of their way to ask you about your classes and your GPA, to which they’ll respond “Oh, I have a 4,” and then boast about all the really difficult classes they’re taking.
The “in a relationship” douchebag
Never goes out and does anything fun, instead preferring to stay in with their significant other. When you ask them about plans, they’ll say “___ is staying in tonight, I think I’m probably gonna stay in with him/her.” You’ll say something about them ditching you and your best friends, to which they’ll respond with something cringe-worthy like “she’s not just my girl/boyfriend, he/she is my best friend. You’ll come close to throwing up in your mouth when they say that.
The alcoholic douchebag
These douchebags go out with the sole intent of getting wasted, with no cap on how much they’ll drink. They get to the point where they need to be babysat, to prevent them from doing something stupid and illegal (likely both). They’ll give you a half-hearted “sorry” and “thank you” next morning and promise they’ll try not to get like that again. Spoiler alert: they’re gonna get like that again very soon.
The hipster douchebag
He’ll criticize you if you’ve never listened to Pink Floyd, and say that your taste in music is vastly inferior to his. Very likely dressed in flannel clothing, jeans, and long hair, possibly with a beard. Isn’t afraid to grab a guitar and turn down the house music so he can start performing. He’ll attempt to play the intro to “Wish You Were Here,” only to fuck up the chords about 30 seconds into the song, and switch to an easier one, “Wonderwall.” As more people start singing along, the scene gets louder and louder, nobody realizing that he’s indeed also fucking up the chords to that song as well. As he finishes, people start clapping for him, and he bows to his audience. A few girls will come up to him, where he’ll boast about the band that he started in high school (which is now defunct). All those girls walk away, except for one. She’ll ask him to play a song for her, and he’ll probably sleep with her that night. Then the cycle will start all over again, the hipster douchebag waiting for his next performance.