Men are pigs. Not cute little cartoon pigs, either; gross pigs. Real pigs. Mud-wallowing, gaseous, snorting pigs. It’s part of their charm.
The man in your life is probably lying to you about something. It could be something big or something totally innocuous. He could have the best of intentions or the very, very worst. Whatever the case, the man you love is a devious coward, and you must approach him with the utmost suspicion and contempt.
Here are just a few of the reasons men lie. Use this list as a handy reference when you feel like your man is trying to pull the wool over your eyes.
He’s Cheating On You
Let’s be honest, here. You’ve always known. The odd hours. The after-work drinks that seem to last all night. The unfamiliar smells. Is that a trace of lipstick on his collar? Is that still a thing? Was she chewing on his collar?
None of that matters. If you smell a rat, your man could be stepping out on you.
He Doesn’t Want To Get In Trouble
Like a small child, your man will happily lie to you rather than accept responsibility for his actions. It’s a tale older than time: man drives a little tipsy and sideswipes a mailbox, severing the car’s side mirror. Man attempts to stick the mirror back on to no avail. Man comes home and swears that the mirror was torn off by Bigfoot. Man says he would have taken a picture of the Bigfoot but his phone was dead. Woman takes man in her arms and comforts him after what must have been a terrifying encounter. Rinse and repeat.
He Thinks He’s Protecting You
Sometimes your man is actually trying to do something nice. He doesn’t want to tell you that, yes, you do look a little bit chunkier than usually in that dress. Or that, no, he doesn’t like your mother, he thinks she’s nosy.
He might actually be trying to make you feel better when he lies. It’s still a shitty thing to do, because you’re an adult who can handle bad news or a little constructive criticism and don’t need to be treated like a baby. But at least he isn’t lying about, like, his gambling addiction.
He’s Trying To Look Cool
I’ve got some bad news for you: your boyfriend was not kicked out of Vampire Weekend because the other band members thought he was too popular with the fans. Your boyfriend was never in Vampire Weekend. He only told you that to impress you.
Men do shit like that all the time. They lie and exaggerate and puff themselves up because they want to look cool. Namely, because they want women to think that they’re cool so the women will sleep with them. It’s sleazy, but isn’t it also kind of sweet?
He’s Protecting A Friend
Sometimes he’ll lie not for himself, but for a friend. He thinks he’s helping. He thinks he’s a hero. Gotta watch out for your boys, right?
But of course, those lies are still lies, and they still make a shitty foundation for a relationship. Besides, if Pete is cheating on Claire, and your boyfriend is covering for him, that makes him an accomplice. Which is a shitty thing to be.
Or maybe it’s a Don Draper situation. Maybe your boyfriend is ashamed of growing up in a Dust Bowl-era brothel. Or, you know, whatever the modern equivalent would be. He’s got a secret he’s hiding, a failure he doesn’t want you to know about, or a character flaw he’s trying to suppress.
He wants to be a better man, but instead of working on himself, he’s obscuring the truth. That’s no way to make a change.
He’s Afraid Of His Feelings
“I’m not crying, I have allergies.”
“I wasn’t scared, I was calculating my next move.”
“Stop telling me not to be nervous when I’m not nervous!”
These are the noises a man makes when he’s trying to cover up his real emotions. You can’t really blame him, the poor thing; from childhood, boys are taught that the only acceptable emotions for a man are anger and horniness. They’re only doing what they’ve been trained to do practically from infancy.
He’s Pretending To Be Academy Award-Nominated Actor Ed Harris
It happens more often than you’d think. Maybe he slips it into conversation casually: “Oh, is that Apollo 13? Turn it up! I was nominated for Best Supporting Actor for this.” Or maybe he’s a little more overt: “Honey, have you seen my red tie? I’m Ed Harris.” However he brings it up, your man might be pretending to be Pollock star Ed Harris.
Though it’s still a lie, it could be worse: Harris is a talented actor, and if it makes your man feel better to pretend to be the four-time Oscar nominee, why take that away from him?