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8 Reasons NYC In the Summer is a Fucking Misery

“Summertime, and the living is easy.” Whomever wrote those six words (I’m going to guess George Washington?) never spent the summertime in New York City. For those three months or so, NYC becomes an uninhabitable hell hole where your will to live, or even get brunch, goes to die. An NYC summer can ruin the life of even the most steadfast zen warrior within less than 24 hours. Don’t believe us? Check out the top 8 reasons why NYC in the summer is a fucking misery below.

Everything smells like piss and garbage

Just try escaping it. You can’t. No one can. The smell is everywhere. It fills every street, every alley, every corner. Even the nicest neighborhoods in the most expensive parts of Manhattan reek like a diaper filled with cigar butts and tika masala during the summer months. The month of June to really makes you feel the dark reality that we’re all paying exorbitant amounts of money for the privilege to live in a homeless person’s giant bathroom.

The humidity annihilates your will to live

During an interview on the Sklarbro County podcast, comedian Patton Oswalt described NYC’s humidity as “like jumping into a pool of armpit sweat.” And this isn’t even only during the day, either. You’re not a true New Yorker until you experience the abject misery of sweating through your sheets with all the windows open, five shitty half-broken fans pointed in your direction, and all the windows open, unable to sleep. The good news? You get to do it all over again tomorrow, dummy!

The heat wreaks havoc with public transit

True story: this morning, which wasn’t even that warm of a morning, the heat caused a massive power outage at DeKalb Ave, which shut down four major train lines between South Brooklyn and Atlantic Ave, including the train I rely on to get to work to write these words of brilliance for you ungrateful peasants every ding dong day. This lead to me having to take a Lyft, which lead to the driver overcharging me by over $300. And it’s only May. Yippeeeeeee.

Kids are running around and yelling all goddamn day

Usually we can rely on the school system to keep these little heathens separate from the rest of society. Not so during the summer! Every year for three miserable months, the city is soundtracked by the grating sounds of these unsupervised little shits running wild all over the streets and screaming their goddamn heads off while the rest of us are trying to get through our work day without committing murder. Summer in New York provides a great argument for abortion to be legal for fetuses up to 16 years of age.

Public pools are basically giant toilets

My girlfriend and I started dating during the miserable, blisteringly hot summer of 2011. One day, fed up with the unbearable heat and the lack of air conditioning in her apartment (they weren’t allowed on the lease, because landlords are the enemy), she went to a public pool to have a nice, relaxing swim and cool down. That nice, relaxing swim lasted less than ten minutes, because someone shit themselves, sending a free-floating turd careening through the glassy blue water. You know who you are, pool shitter.

Our beaches are hypodermic needle obstacle courses

It’s really almost comical how gross NYC beaches are. What should be a day of rest and relaxation on a picturesque, sand-swept dune inevitably becomes a gauntlet of dodging whatever disgusting detritus the sickly green tides bring in. Plastic soda can rings, underwear, used condoms, hypodermic needles. This is a very short, incomplete list of a few items I’ve dodged during trips to Coney Island.

You’re gonna get fined for drinking in public

OK, so it’s finally a non-humid night, the sunset is gorgeous, so you and your friends decide to celebrate by heading down to the park to tie one on. Before you know it, you’re beset by NYC’s finest, and the boys in blue are writing you a ticket for $200 because of your open bottle of nine dollar Merlot. Because in the city that never sleeps, trying to have fun is the biggest crime of them all.

Shakespeare in the Park is for assholes

Simply put,there are two types of people: people who admit that Shakespeare in the Park is fucking clown shoes, and liars.

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