Ok, yeah, we get it: you’re a loner, a rebel, you’re not into labels, monogamy is dead, there’s more than enough of you to go around yadda yadda yadda blah blah blah. Is this a millennial FOMO thing? It’s probably a millennial FOMO thing, right? Like, we’re afraid of commitment because once we settle down we’re suddenly going to find an even better option that we suddenly can’t have, and it’s driving us mad. Well guess what, hot shot? Just because you and your boo haven’t officially, explicitly made things exclusive doesn’t mean that they’re not already exclusive. Don’t believe us? Here are 8 things that prove you’re in a relationship even if you haven’t had “the talk.”
You’re Together More Than 3 Days A Week
Think about that. That’s a lot of time. Aside from like, your coworkers or your bodega guy, no one in your life sees you that often, or for that long, and you would never let your coworkers or your bodega guy see you naked, so…you do the math, Einstein.
You’d Be Devastated If They Hooked Up With Someone Else
We’ve all been there: we act like something wouldn’t bother us, and then that something happens, and we’re goddamn furious, but we don’t want to show it, so we pout and send out like 800 subtweets just to prove how “not mad” we are. Sorry, but Cam’ron wasn’t fooled, and neither are we. You’ve caught feelings, deal with it.
You’ve Got Clothes And Toiletries Stashed At Their Place
For “convenience,” right? Mhmm.
You Can Recite Their Phone Number Verbatim
That’s crazy, ok? That’s borderline psycho. The whole point of having smartphones is so we don’t have to remember anyone’s phone number anymore, it’s all just there in the cloud or whatever. You can recite their number verbatim? Damn, those feelings you caught must be terminal.
You Feel Comfortable Farting In Front Of Them
Ladies, I know you hear me on this one. My girlfriend accidentally farted in front of me like, two or three weeks into our relationship, and she was convinced that I was going to dump her on the spot. But I’m a guy, so I just laughed and asked if she wanted to watch another episode of Breaking Bad. We just celebrated our six year anniversary.
You Know Their Regular Starbucks Order
A person’s regular Starbucks order is like their fingerprint. It is a sacred rite developed over a hallowed time of devotion between them and their barista. They know how many pumps of whatever, how much foam to whatsit, to be sure to write the extra vowel in their name, the whole shebang. If you can return from Starbucks with this exact order, you’re probably getting married, ok?
You Get Jealous When Other People Hit On Them In Public
Even at 30, I don’t quite know how to deal with this. People tell me to take it as a compliment, but it makes me goddamn furious. Ladies, I don’t want to speak for all of you, so be honest: is there a part of you, even a small one, that gets deeply turned on by seeing your dude go Chuck Norris on a motherfucker who’s trying to hit on you at the local watering hole? What if this happens TWO WEEKS into the relationship? Start picking out baby names!
You’ve Talked To Their Parents On The Phone More Than Once
Okay, maybe you haven’t gone the full Ben Stiller and actually, you know, met the parents yet. But have you done that cutesy thing where you’re both lying in bed and their folks call and they put you on the phone with them and before you know it you’re calling them by their first names and laughing at their jokes and offering stock tips like you’ve known them for forever and then you hand them back the phone and you can faintly hear their dad say “I like this one”? LIFE GOALS.