From my experience, New York City is king of over-exaggerating its winter storms. For weeks you’ll hear of an impending Armageddon only to be slightly inconvenienced by a cold, wet snow. Often I get excited because a Hurricane Sandy-esque blizzard will get me out of work for weeks, only to be forced to work from home for half a day and be back in the office the next.
Well, it’s that time of year again. Tuesday night a “Nor’easter” (read: a big ass blizzard) hits New York City and everyone is freaking out. School has already been cancelled and most people (except people who write for websites and can, unfortunately, work from home) are off of work. The storm is predicted to yield as much as 24 inches of snow. That’s enough to seriously affect travel by car and subway and give you enough material to build a killer snow man.
As someone not originally from this city, it took time to get the hang of how to survive being stuck in your apartment for a few days, but now I’ve got it down. Here’s how to survive a blizzard like a champ:
Seriously, nothing will be open. There will be no one to deliver you food or water. Those leftovers in your fridge have gone bad already, and wouldn’t sustain you for two days anyway. Hit the grocery store. Even if you only buy 3 cases of Oreos, milk, and six packets of Ramen, that’s better than nothing. Also, alcohol. Buy a lot of alcohol. Trust me.
Drink a lot
Aside from a hospital, there’s no safer place to get black out drunk than at home, right? Why not cozy up with several bottles of hard alcohol and get silly with your roommates. Buy a couple Four Lokos and play power hour because there’s no reason not to. No work. No School. All the roads are closed. Very real possibility everything in your neighborhood will be closed. And, it’s fucking cold outside. Stay in, drink some whiskey, and warm up.
There’s no better time to spend money you don’t have than when you’re not being paid to go to work. Or, maybe you have paid time off, then you have no reason not to buy those lobster claw mittens you’ve been eyeing on Amazon. Remember how you needed that crocheted portrait of Bill Murray but never thought it was a good idea to buy it? Well, now you’re sequestered in your apartment for days, colder than you’ve ever been, and drunk; it’s time to add to your cart and check out.
Watch the extended editions of every Lord of the Rings movie
Let’s be honest: no one has time to watch multiple two-and-a-half hour movies on a normal day. And, if you do, I bet you fell asleep halfway through. Combined the theatrical editions of the Lord of the Rings series total to a whopping 9 hours and 28 minutes long–the extended editions total to 11 hours and 36 minutes. This is an accomplishment you’ll rarely have the opportunity to tackle any other day. Honestly, if you watch all of the Star Wars franchise as well you might set a record. (Bonus points if you’re drunk.)
‘Netflix and Chill’
We all know what it means. And we all know that nobody likes to watch Lord of the Rings drunk and alone. Hit up that one person you’ve been dodging all week because of work–or just genuine disinterest–and spend all day watching movies and making out. That’ll keep ya warm.
Don’t go outside or don’t go too far from home if you do
Blizzards are a holy, state-sanctioned day of rest. Bill de Blasio doesn’t even want you to go outside. It’s just a hassle for him if you wind up dead in a snow bank somewhere. And you don’t want to piss him off. Stay in. Chill. If you go outside it better be for a snowball fight or to re-up on whiskey.
Get naked because why not
Let’s say you don’t have anyone to “Netflix and Chill” with. Let’s say you’re drunk and you finished all nine hours of LOTR. The only logical next step is to hang out naked in your apartment. When was the last time you were in your apartment long enough to even have time to get naked for any respectable amount of time? Your roommates may not love you after, but they’ll damn sure respect you.
Sleep a lot
Once you’re drunk, bored of Legolas’s baby blue eyes, naked and wet from your snowball fight, take a nap. There’s really nothing else to do.