You’re desperately lonely. It’s okay! So are lots of people.
If you’re not in a relationship already, you’re probably spending your days and slightly-drunk nights swiping, tapping, and messaging blurry Facebook pictures of possible partners on any one of several dating and hookup apps.
We’ve all done it. Apps are great for a quick drink, a little conversation, or a sweaty hookup. But if you’re looking for something more serious, look elsewhere.
Swiping is too easy! You feel like a Roman emperor, deciding each contestant’s fate with the simple motion of a finger. It provides a quick thrill, but like all those social media gestures, it’s empty and ultimately unsatisfying. You might lose a little weight in your pointer finger, but the last thing you need is another little phone thingy to check obsessively.
Besides, big pointer fingers are in right now!
Ugh. Everyone is the same. And everyone is better-looking than you! Or they live in the wrong neighborhood, and you’d have to take, like, three trains to get to their place. Humanity is a big diverse wonderland of potential but sometimes that sucks. Dating apps are a vortex of self-criticism, comparison, judgement, and hurt feelings.
I mean, so is life, but at least datings apps can be avoided.
They Cause Anxiety
Are we a match? Does he like me back? Will he still like me when he gets to know me? If we meet are fall in love, how much will the wedding cost? Will it be traditional or courtroom-style? Once we are united in marital bliss, will the love begin to fade? Will he stray? Will I? Will we be able to conceive, and will our children be healthy and well-adjusted? Will climate change destroy the earth we once selfishly enjoyed, damning our children to an inhospitable planet?
Dating apps raise too many questions. There’s something comforting about in-person human interaction.
They’re Too Easy
Dating should be an event, not a hobby. Not to slut-shame, but too many dates and too many options takes the thrill out of dating and turns the whole process into another chore. Dating and hookup apps take some of the mystery and charm out of dating, rendering you into nothing more than the result of some lame start-up’s auto-generated algorithm.
You’re better than that. A little.
People lie. They spin, exaggerate, fib, Photoshop, and cherry-pick. Ever used a dating app only to discover that your date looks nothing like their photos? I have. It’s not fun.
Like all social media profiles, these dating apps are laboratories of personal misrepresentation. People try to cast themselves in their most flattering light, or they try on new personas, or they flat-out lie. Bottom line is you don’t know who you’re gonna get. Sure, they might really be a cute graphic designer from Greenpoint. Or they might be Stephen Port, the notorious “Grindr serial killer.”
It’s easier to get an honest read on somebody meeting them in person.
Where’s the meet-cute? The story of how you met, the one you’ll tell your grandkids, assuming they can bear to sit still for more than thirty seconds? Where’s the butterflies, the courtship, the clumsy first pass at holding their hand? That’s what dating is all about!
Where is the fun in groping your way through a grid of headshots, desperately scanning for someone else who says they like Buffy?
Every great love story is different. Still, I can’t think of too many that start with an unsolicited picture of some dude’s sweaty junk, accompanied by the message “U like?” I don’t remember that from Romeo and Juliet, though granted it’s been a few years since I’ve read it.
I’ve met some real charming people on dating apps, but for each one of those guys I’ve been pestered by at least five horny randos.
They’re Too Broad
Until very recently, people met each other through mutual friends, at work, or in the course of doing something they were passionate about. That makes sense, because those venues have one thing in common: you. You’re much more likely to meet someone you’re compatible with if you already share a friend, interest, or hobby.
Dating apps will offer you a hundred preening Wall Street assholes, but real life will find you the one other guy who’s passionate about early 20th century upholstery, or whatever.
The Power Grid May Be Damaged In A Natural Disaster, Rendering Your Devices Useless
And then where will you be?