Ikea. The ender of relationships. The island of lost screws. Ikea is one of those polarizing places for most people. Almost everyone has experience with their products, but no one actually wants to go there. I, on the other hand, try to go there as often as possible. You may think I’m crazy, but there are several extremely logical reasons why Ikea is one of my favorite places.
You Always Find Something You Need
Every. Single. Time. Ikea is great because of the wide variety of products they carry. Maybe you’re running low on wine glasses because your roommate is clumsy AF. Maybe you want some picture frames for a gallery wall. What about a wall mounted lamp to replace the one you’ve had since you were in a dorm. How about just some damn Swedish Fish. There are certain stores where you can always find SOMETHING you didn’t know you needed. Target is one of them. Ikea is the best one.
Its Really Freakin Orderly In There
Ever go to the Gap and freak out because the sweaters are all in piles and its impossible to find your size?? Yeah, that never happens at Ikea. If Ikea was messy, it would literally defeat the purpose of Ikea. It would be like the Container Store being messy, a total oxymoron. Ikea is the one place where everything is exactly in order, and looks exactly like the best version of your apartment. The beds are made, the screws are in tight, and even the books are color coded. It’s a neat freaks wet dream, thus why I find it so relaxing.
Your Dream House Is In There
Just like The Home Depot, Ikea sells the dream of your perfect house. You can go in there to get inspiration, or to see what fits into the ideas you already had. Either way, Ikea’s showroom beautifully designed by experts who know more about interior design than you do. Their products cover everything from textiles to literally the perfect tiles for your kitchen, and all designed with your tiny ass apartment in mind. No matter what the shit hole you live in looks like now, your dream house is sitting in Ikea waiting for you to buy it and install it one allen key at a time.
The Names of the Products
Need a little pick me up? Ikea has the best names for all of their shit. Sometimes its the most literal of literal places, and then they throw a hilarious curveball in there. Please see the visual evidence below.
Tell me your day isn’t a LITTLE bit better after all that.
NO ONE WILL TALK TO YOU
One of the best things of the Ikea business model is having very few customer service people on the floor. Now we can argue the economics and ethics of that to death, but you can’t deny that it is a MUCH nicer shopping experience. Have you ever been to a Raymor and Flannigan furniture store?? Are you kidding me? Fuck it, every been SHOE shopping?? Having sales people heckle you about what you’re looking for, how they can help you, blah blah blah is enough to make you stay home. Online shopping is great because no one fucking bothers you. Ikea is like that, but in person. If I need help, I will fucking let you know. Otherwise, I just want to sit on every couch you have and determine at my own pace whether or not I want it.
Ikea is so smart. Not only are they considerate of you not wanting to be bothered, they also know you’re a busy person. The shortcuts through the store are one of the most genius things I’ve ever seen in a store. The map to Ikea might be a little daunting at first, but once you get used to it it’s super easy to cut to the exact area you’re looking for. You can cut through lighting, make a left at textiles, and now you’re in kitchen ware in 5 minutes rather than winding through all the other shit you didn’t come here for. Ive never seen another store that does that for its customers, and thats just another reason Ikea is awesome.
You Become an Expert on Shitty Furniture
We all have THAT friend right? The super trendy, super cool friend that always talks about how they got that rug in Bali and oh my gosh you have to try the coffee at blah blah blah its to die for. Yeah, now you can perfectly identify that the stuff in their apartment came from Ikea, just like everyone else’s. That super cute, totally unique throw pillow? Ikea. The funky candy dish that looks 100% vintage? Also made in China, and from Ikea. Not to mention all of the Ikea furniture you will start to notice in restaurants, TV Shows, and porn. Theres an entire tumblr page dedicated to Ikea furniture spotted in porn. Spend enough time in there, and you’ll be an expert too.
Its so Cheap
Are you kidding me?? Theres a reason Ikea is the worlds largest furniture retailer. Even the shitty, build it yourself crap you find at Target is stupid expensive. Everything at Ikea is the cheapest version of that thing you’re ever going to find unless you go dumpster diving or buy some bed bug infested shit off craigslist. And I’m not limiting myself to their furniture. Ice cream is cheap. Meatballs are cheap. Spatula’s are cheap. YES, I do want 30 candles for $3. I don’t know when or how I will use them, but they are so cheap I couldn’t possibly say no.
THIS COULD BE YOU. You want to be Zooey Deschanel and Joseph Gordan Levitt. You know this. Ikea is the one place you can live those dreams. Stop arguing about where you’ll be putting the third shelf and enjoy the fantasy damn you!!!