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9 Things You Should Do When You’re Crushing on Someone but Trying to Play It Cool

Love is a fickle bitch.

There’s something about having a crush on someone that seems so juvenile and yet here I am. I am a 26 year old woman who has a major crush on someone I work with. Given, many people meet their mates at their workplace but the idea of having a crush at this age feels so ridiculous. Listen, I’m not drawing hearts around his image and naming all of our children or anything seriously disturbing like that; but I am definitely avoiding all eye contact and stalking his Instagram page. Does he even know I exist? Probably not. Do I pretend to not notice when he’s in the room? Absolutely. Because I have integrity.

But crushing on someone is such a bitch because you desperately want them to notice you while simultaneously acting like you don’t notice them. You want to come across as though you are oblivious to their presence because deep down you know that people always want what they can’t have; and the more unimpressed you appear, the more drawn to you they are. The only problem with this idea is that when you act so uninterested, they’re probably going to think you’re uninterested. So, how do you find a balance between the two? Honestly, I have no fucking clue. I’m still in the stage of acting annoyed when he asks me questions because I’m so “busy”. What I do know are several little tactics for one to use to show off our relative ambivalence which will hopefully lead to a lovely date. It sounds crazy, but it works.

Actually play it cool

If I don’t control myself, I will terrify men in my natural state. Basically, I have to tell myself to slow down, listen and breathe. Otherwise I come across as manic and so extra. Do yourself a favor and just stop gambling such high stakes when conversing with your crush. You’ll come to find that you can actually relax and be normal when you don’t put so much pressure on yourself.

Don’t dwell on the past

Many people live in the past like it’s on a loop. Don’t associate your past mistakes with your present circumstances, sounds crazy, right? Sure, it’s important to learn from your mistakes but you can’t assume that every situation you encounter is going to be the same thing over and over again. Not all men are the same, you sound like an asshole when you say that. Learn from your past and then let it go.

Don’t freak out because he isn’t texting you

This is the most difficult thing to do because we feel like people don’t care about us if they don’t send us messages; and that is bullshit. Maybe Billy from work can’t respond to your hysterical meme because he’s actually working. Some dudes are terrible at texting and if you think about it, getting upset for not getting a “lol” or some sort of stupid emoji is so lame.

Let go of wild expectations

It is not your fault. I repeat, it is NOT your fault! I blame movies, I spent all of my adolescence expecting to be serenaded at graduation by my crush who couldn’t let me go without professing his love. And that, my friends, is bullshit. Romantic comedies fucked everyone over by thinking that somehow grand gestures are the only way to prove affection. Your crush probably won’t write you a letter every day for a year. Be realistic.

Go out

This is pretty simple. The more entertained you are, the less time you have to think. The less you have to think, the less you stress about which way your crush’s feet were pointing during the staff meeting; because you read somewhere that if they point near you, they love you. That’s stupid.

Don’t obsess

Have I gone down a deep dark hole of stalking my crush on social media? Of course. I confessed to it already and before I knew it I was on his cousin’s girlfriend’s mom’s aunt’s profile. Please don’t waste your time trying to find some dirt on your crush through social media. People only post the good shit anyway.

Ignore them

This is the stage I frequent and quite often get stuck in because the idea of a relationship paralyzes me with fear. I would say I am an expert in this. Don’t look their way, don’t listen to their stories about the weekend, just avoid them. I bet you’ll find that they’re always around when you do that.

Accept and love yourself

The most important thing to do in life in general, is to love yourself. When you love yourself, you can’t be bothered to sweat the small stuff. You are a confident ass bitch and people love the confidence. As RuPaul would say “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell can you love somebody else?” Amen!

Grow a pair of balls

At some point playing it cool gets boring and you’re going to end up being so cool, you’re frozen. Put on your big girl panties, grow some balls and just ask them out. If they say “no”, you move on and if they say “yes”, who knows?

As for me, I might play it cool a little longer, I’m still trying to decide whether or not I can handle a full on date.

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