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You Can Now Watch a 90 Minute Live Stream of Dudley The Tortoise Casting His Vote For Trump or Hillary for President of The United States By Eating Lettuce

I wish I could live on the Internet. On September 9th especially, I wished it even harder than usual.

Posted by Facebook Fan Page The Content Zone, who’s bio reads “Content you crave – It’s all in the zone!,” was an hour and a half long live stream of Dudley the Turtle in a wooden pen separated down the middle so the pet tortoise could make the choice to eat the lettuce in a bid for Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump for President of the United States.

The caption of the video, which you can watch for yourself here reads “Ask Dudley the Tortoise: TRUMP OR HILLARY #tortoisecamlive” and was watched by a total 221,000 viewers. The raw footage lasted a full 90 minutes with a live sound off from viewers both aggravated and excited alike by the goings on of the live stream. Additionally, viewers were able to react to the stream with emoticons, which would travel across the bottom of the screen in live time (most were the angry one :/).

Now, I know what you’re thinking…”WOW, Emily, you watched a full hour and a half live stream of someone else’s tortoise voting on a Friday night? You seem so cool, busy, goal oriented, and popular. You’re really making the most of your college degree, good for you girl!” And you would be correct. But, even cooler still, I’ve documented this piece of performance art, if you will, in live time, complete with some of my favorite comments below.

At around 4PM, the live footage begins rolling. At the beginning of it, the camera shows an empty wooden pen, one side labeled “Trump”, one labeled “Hillary”, with bits of lettuce and salad around each of the signs. We do not yet see Dudley the Tortoise at this time.

@ 0:13 – “he is searching for harambe”

@ 0:33 – “Harambe was assasinated by Clinton.”

@ 0:47 “EAT THE CLINT”

@ 1:16 “#Corner of the box for president”

@ 1:44 “Jeb is that you?”

@ 2:19 “It’s ok, the turtle is chilling in Chuck norris’s beard”

@ 2:20 “Let the Emperor protect this turtle”

@ 2:28 “build a wall deport them all”

@ 2:30 “he is looking for the emails”

@ 2:42 “#SendDudleyToRehab”

@ 3:29 “Dudley is harambe”

Dudley the turtle is finally placed in the pen by a human hand.

@ 4:36 “Dudley did Harambe”

The turtle begins to move towards the pile of greens next to the sign with Hillary’s name on it, but refrains from eating.

@ 5:04 “Turtle was placed aiming Hillary! SUCH LIBERAL BIAS”

Dudley moves off screen into the further depths of the corner of the pen.

@ 5:28 “He’s moving to mexico”

@ 5:33 “u can’t escape de system son”

posted by Facebook user “Stinky Dick Memes” @ 6:03 “DUDLEY MY NIKKA HYFR HE PROB LISTEN TO J. COLE THE SAVAGE”

@ 7:20 “He needs ranch”

@ 7:42 “turtle is going full communism”

*He is placed at the top of the pen again for round two.

@ 8:34 “My great grandpapi shed blood for u turt you better vote”

@ 10:04 “Quick build a wall”

posted by Facebook user “Memes So Hot You’ll Want To Try Bukkak3” @ 10:05 “no.”

Once again the tortoise walks past both piles of greenery without choosing to eat from either. He knocks over the “Clinton” placard on his way.

@ 10:24 “Good dog”

@ 10:52 “I think your dog has autism”

@ 11:05 “HE WANTED TO GO FURTHER LEFT THAN HILLARY”

ready for Round 4

@ 13:48 “#ImWithDudley”

he spends most of his time staring at the back corner

@ 14:43 “Fill the enclosure with crickets to more accurately describe the electoral college”

The election moderator adds a small pile of greens to the middle of the pen, this one with a sign that reads “Dudley”.

@ 16:39 “#BoxCorner2016”

@ 17:51 “#DontMoveDudley2016”

@ 18:15 “What kind of dog is this”

@ 18:28 “what kind of cat is this”

@ 19:02 “be free armored pupper”

@ 19:17 “I think your tortoise has alzheimers”

@ 20:26 “Anyway, like I was sayin’, shrimp is the fruit of the sea. You can barbecue it, boil it, broil it, bake it, saute it. Dey’s uh, shrimp-kabobs, shrimp creole, shrimp gumbo. Pan fried, deep fried, stir-fried. There’s pineapple shrimp, lemon shrimp, coconut shrimp, pepper shrimp, shrimp soup, shrimp stew, shrimp salad, shrimp and potatoes, shrimp burger, shrimp sandwich. That- that’s about it.”

@ 21:57 “If you see this while scrolling, you have been visited by Dudley the Democracy Tortoise. Better candidates will come to you, but only if you comment STAY STUDLEY DUDLEY on this post”

@ 22:20 “play some Taylor Swift and dat boi may come out of the shell”

the turtle once again races across the pen now leaving all three lettuce piles untouched

@ 23:54 “Harambe was an inside job”

@ 24:23 “the camera is going to pan and reveal that Dudley has grabbed a pencil and wrote in for bernie”

Dudley once again leaves the limits of the camera view, this time knocking over both the “Trump” and “Clinton” signs as he moves slow.

@ 25:24 “Swerve”

@ 26:05 “Death to the two party system”

@ 26:16 “this is the Jeb Bush of small tortoises eating lettuce”

The moderator puts his arm into view to fix the piles and their respective signs.

@ 26:35 “Ew shave ur arms pls. What kind of democrat are you. Demon.”

Round 6 is in full effect. He is placed back at the top of the pen and almost immediately makes the same choice, walking off the board and past all three choices.

@ 28:14 “Doggo hates politics and therefore is a terrorist”

@ 28:17 “This is not a real tortoise it is a Tortbot drone mimic developed by General Dynamics. The US govt in concert w General Dynamics has sold 3billion dollars worth of these election fraud tortbot drones to the govt of Saudi Arabia and they have been deployed en masse to Yemen where they are rigging elections there as well. Please wake up this is not real”

@ 29:25 “He chose the sweet simplicity of death”

@ 29:27 “Forced veganism is a crime”

@ 29:31 “Dudley’s pretty thicc tbf”

@ 30:35 “666”

He is chilling by the corner of the Trump pile, but refuses to make a decision.

@ 31:51 “I have 2 Santa hats. hmu”

@ 32:52 “put a nug on the dudley pile”

@ 34:24 “my boy dudley pulling a Kaepernick”

@ 34:52 “I like his nails”

@ 35:28 “give DUDLEY A TOP HAT”

A banana is placed atop the “Dudley” pile.

He is placed at the back of the pen once more.

He begins snacking on the Hillary pile before being attacked by his viewing audience, sounding off in the comments section.

@ 37:23 “SMASH DUDLEY AGAINST THE WALL”

@ 37:23 “RIGGED”

@ 37:28 “He was probably bribed.”

@ 37:34 “RIGGED LETTUCE”

@ 37:35 “She probably threatened him”

@ 37:36 “Tickle my balloon knot”

@ 37:41 “DUDLEY IS WEARING AN EARPIECE”

@ 37:56 “Corrupt tortoise.”

@ 39:29 “send him to his corner for time out”

@ 39:34 “DUDLEY IDENTIFIES AS A CAT IT’S 2016 DON’T ASSUME HIS GENDER.”

@ 40:22 “Does anyone wonder if George Clooney has a iTunes playlist called Clooney tunes?”

@ 40:26 “I read the manga. Dudley doesn’t actually vote for Hillary.”

@ 40:35 “I’m gonna CUUUUUUM”

he returns to his corner for a recount of the votes

@ 42:33 “CYANIDE IN LETTUCE CONFIRMED”

@ 43:05 “BUSH DID DUDLEY CONFIRMED”

@ 44:48 “Looking for squirter don’t know if turtles do that”

@ 45:58 “When can we get the Dudley merchandise”

he is circling the pen as the Wii Sports theme music is playing

@ 48:17 “boutta do a dab for Dudley”

@ 48:26 “Dress him up like a little bank robber because Dudley stole my heart.”

@ 49:47 “is that Jeb”

sitting next to the Trump lettuce pile, he begins clunking his head against the wall. He turns around to face his ass towards the Trump sign.

@ 53:09 “HE’S SO HOT”

@ 54:39 “*Serbian Accordian music in the background*”

@ 57:25 “I need a glass of water”

@ 57:44 “Dudley is a thot.”

@ 58:10 “Change the signs to Harambe and Jesus”

@ 1:00:47 “Cool eagle bruh.”

@ 59:08 “That’s no turtle, that’s Bernie himself.”

@ 1:01:10 “Pick Vermin Supreme”

@ 1:03:38 “Put some tipper on”

@ 1:04:21 “Nips out for Dudley”

@ 1:04:30 “Dudley did u make the playlist it is nice”

Now he has been sitting in the upper corner just staring at it for around 10 full minutes.

@ 1:06:17 “selling USA for 21 Trillion, PM Obama for Info”

@ 1:07:46 “Just look at Hillary’s lettuce. Brown and unappealing. It looks all old and nasty.”

@ 1:07:47 “Spicy content”

@ 1:08:17 “It’s like choosing Taco Bell or Taco Bueno when we all know Taco Bueno didn’t lie about her Emails”

@ 1:08:58 “This dog have crippling depression”

@ 1:09:03 “When the candidates are so bad, the turtle would rather choose death.”

@ 1:09:31 “Harambe is love, Harambe is life.”

@ 1:11:39 “I did 9/11”

@ 1:11:57 “I’m calling the police now.”

@ 1:12:08 “#deportDudley2016”

@ 1:12:16 “DOGGO WITH A HOUSE IN HIS BACK”

@ 1:13:17 “Dudley is a nihilist. It’s all pain and suffering and lettuce for him.”

@ 1:13:42 “Harambe loved salad :/”

@ 1:14:33 “That frog has autism.”

@ 1:14:35 “Hey, Dudley. What is NATO’s mission? Is it obsolete? Is it fighting terrorism?”

@ 1:14:46 “give him sriracha sauteed brussel sprouts with gary written on them so he wont starve”

@ 1:15:10 “Dudley how did you get to be so cool?”

@ 1:15:32 “More exciting than my life”

@ 1:15:43 “Set the wood on fire to spice things up.”

@ 1:15:52 “Dudley rolls the best blunts”

@ 1:15:57 “movie type: Action, Race; IMDB: 9/10”

@ 1:16:13 “#LetDudleyDebate”

@ 1:16:32 “Reminds me of the first world war…”

@ 1:16:41 “I’m getting wet”

@ 1:17:09 “This is some illuminati shit…”

@ 1:17:21 “We need this efficient system in Mexico.”

@ 1:17:23 “#IgniteTheWood”

@ 1:17:29 “Replace the wood with a ring of FIRE”

@ 1:17:49 “Dudley and Vegetables, still better love story than Twilight”

@ 1:17:54 “#PotatoBetterThanIPhone7”

@ 1:18:07 “set the box on fire”

@ 1:18:09 “How can Dudley be real if our eyes are not?”

@ 1:18:33 “#BurnTheBox”

@ 1:18:36 “#MakeDudleyGreatAgain #BuildAWall #Dudleywithyou #Makegreenssafeagain”

@ 1:18:56 “Next time you’d better resort to an illegal penguin fighting contest.”

@ 1:18:56 “Bush did 9/11 dudley did harambe”

@ 1:19:27 “What is dudleys opinion on abortion”

@ 1:19:30 “Why am I watching this, I’m not even American”

the moderator’s hand enters the camera view to adjust Clinton’s pile of lettuce, as Dudley remains lurking in the upper corner

@ 1:19:33 “INVISIBLE HAND OF THE MARKET WILL DECIDE”

@ 1:20:17 “dudley only eats dank nugs”

@ 1:20:37 “What kind of bird is this?”

@ 1:20:45 “The Hand is literally the metaphor for the Media backing Clinton. #Rigged #DudleyWakeUp

@ 1:20:56 “Gary Johnson is team mystic what about you?”

@ 1:21:07 “The walls holding you into this fascist system aren’t real”

@ 1:21:12 “SET THE BOX ON FIRE”

@ 1:21:19 “I sold my body for a can of Pringles”

@ 1:21:32 “#DudleyWokeAF”

@ 1:21:40 “YO LISTEN UP HERES A STORY ABOUT A LIL GUY WHO LIVES IN A WOOD SQUARE AND ALL DAY N ALL NIGHT AND EVERYTHING HE SEES IS JUST LETTUCE INSIDE AND OUTSIDE WOOD HIS HOUSE WITH NO LITTLE WINDOW AND A WOOD CORVETTE AND EVERYTHING WAS VOTING TO HIM AND HIMSELF AND EVERYBODY AROUND CUZ HE AINT GOT NOBODY TO VOTE FOR”

he blunders through the middle of the two signs, knocking them aside before exiting out of the camera view

@ 1:22:17 “Dudley doesn’t give a fuck about the political system”

@ 1:22:19 “Oh my god he’s choosing Gary Johnson”

@ 1:22:41 “He destroyed the government omg”

@ 1:22:46 “Did he just move to Canada”

@ 1:22:52 “He voted third party”

@ 1:23:23 “And he votes for communism”

@ 1:23:38 “Dudley come to Brazil”

@ 1:23:54 “Third Party is Harambe”

@ 1:24:25 “Ds out for Dudley”

The mod places the tortoise back in the pen.

@ 1:25:38 “dudley is my papi”

@ 1:25:41 “The greatest protest i have ever seen. You can’t make me choose one of these. Stay strong dudley. #hungerstrike

@ 1:25:58 “Pls eat soon pupper”

@ 1:26:10 “Projecting this on the big screen at work.”

@ 1:26:12 “#DudleyWantsTheWall”

@ 1:27:02 “Wow he chose to bash his head into a wall just like me on election day”

@ 1:27:13 “Maybe he’s crying”

@ 1:27:34 “Hes mexican”

@ 1:27:52 “I don’t feel safe anymore”

@ 1:28:00 “This turtle is trying to cross the border”

The moderator sticks a napkin in the middle of the pen with the words “Thanks 4 Watching” written on it in pen. Dudley seems interested in the napkin, circling it.

@ 1:28:32 “Best thing to come out of politics”

@ 1:28:36 “He’s taking a knee to the election process to raise awareness to the mistreatment of turtles #allturtlesmatter

@ 1:28:52 “when you have nothing better to do besides watch a turtle vote”

@ 1:28:56 “Im mexican and i found this offensive”

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