Deck The Halls, Bitches: My Christmas List

Because every well-adjusted adult makes one?

To just know what it would feel like to be Charlie Sheen for one day.

Too soon?

A lifetime of better decisions

This one will never get old. #ifatfirstyoudon’tsucceed

Nutella

All of it.

An hour with Ben Carson

Preferably in a universe where guns don’t exist. Or, alternatively, in a universe where it’s just me and him in a Popeye’s organization, and the cashier is in the back when a gunman comes in.

A lifetime supply of Mambas

Easily the most underrated candy out there.

A better haircut for Hillary Clinton

And a better-adjusted moral compass.

Leggings

You can never have enough.

To travel back in time

So I could be in the elevator and find out just what exactly caused Solange to go off like that…

A world where it’s possible to get a breakfast burrito for lunch

WHY is it so hard to find a breakfast burrito after 11 AM? Do you suddenly stop carrying eggs at that time?

A Louis C.K. body pillow

#celebritycrush

To not be completely blown off by a guy

Just one. Like, if there could just be one decent guy out there, that would be great. I don’t care if you hate puppies and think kale is cool, so long as you text me back.

 

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