Deck The Halls, Bitches: My Christmas List

Because every well-adjusted adult makes one?

To just know what it would feel like to be Charlie Sheen for one day.

Too soon?

A lifetime of better decisions

This one will never get old. #ifatfirstyoudon’tsucceed

Nutella

All of it.

An hour with Ben Carson

Preferably in a universe where guns don’t exist. Or, alternatively, in a universe where it’s just me and him in a Popeye’s organization, and the cashier is in the back when a gunman comes in.

A lifetime supply of Mambas

Easily the most underrated candy out there.

A better haircut for Hillary Clinton

And a better-adjusted moral compass.

Leggings

You can never have enough.

To travel back in time

So I could be in the elevator and find out just what exactly caused Solange to go off like that…

A world where it’s possible to get a breakfast burrito for lunch

WHY is it so hard to find a breakfast burrito after 11 AM? Do you suddenly stop carrying eggs at that time?

A Louis C.K. body pillow

#celebritycrush

To not be completely blown off by a guy

Just one. Like, if there could just be one decent guy out there, that would be great. I don’t care if you hate puppies and think kale is cool, so long as you text me back.

 

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Alex is an attempted humor writer who lives in LA but kind of hates it there. She kind of hates everything, but finds salvation (not the religious kind) in humor. She is sarcastic, offensive, and crude, but also volunteers with children and puppies on the weekends so isn't completely the worst. You can find more of her writing at onlybadchi.wordpress.com.

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