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Definitive Proof That It’s Better to Have a Dog Than a Child

Dogs are amazing. They’re cute, even when they’re a little ugly. They love you unconditionally and are basically forced to spend all of their time with you. Dogs are sweet, soft, and they make the best cuddle partners. Dogs can do no wrong. I. love. dogs.

Children, on the other hand, can be a bit more hit-or-miss. They’re messy on purpose.  They don’t always love you (in fact, they go through a phase where they like to scream, “I hate you!”). They don’t have fur and they only like to hug until they’re like nine, and then they never want you to touch them ever again. They can scream at pitches that are almost higher than human frequency.

Here are 10 reasons why it might just be better to have a dog than a child (at least at this point in our lives):

Dogs Poop Outside

Dogs learn to pee and poop outside pretty early. Sure, there might be a few accidents when they’re really young or too old to hold it, but for the most part, they go outside. Babies, on the other hand, spend at least two-to-three full years going in their diapers. You have to wipe their nastiness yourself, which is way more up-close-and-personal than using a doggie bag. And dogs’ pee is completely out of your responsibility, as they’ll just go all over your bitchy neighbor’s plants.

Dogs Always Love You

And show it! Children love you for several years, and then they turn into teenagers. All teenagers should be sent to an angsty island where they can’t bother all of us happy people. Teenagers probably love you, deep down, but they refuse to show it. You’ll have to drive your shitty teen wherever they want to go and then drop them off a block away because you’re “embarrassing.” Your kid will be wearing multicolored braces and knee-high Converse but, somehow, you’re embarrassing. Ooookay.

Dogs Are Cuddly

First of all, dogs are furry, so they’re automatically more cuddly than children. Big dogs can basically be body pillows, but if you lay on your baby, that’ll crush them. Little dogs curl up in your lap adorably. Babies can’t even sit up on their own! You get a few years of children who love to hug you and just chill, and then they start to push you away from them at all times.

Dogs Are Cost Effective

Dogs are the definition of cheap eats. Even if you feed your dog some fancy shit, it’s pretty affordable. Plus, very few dogs are picky. So while your friends are picking onions off of their kids’ plain hamburgers, your dog is eternally grateful to gobble up kibbles n bits without even stopping for a breath. Other ways you’ll save with a dog: dogs don’t go to college, dogs don’t wear clothes (or at least, don’t need different outfits for every day), and dogs don’t have cell phones.

Dogs Don’t Talk

If you’re unlucky, your dog is a barker. But still, your dog can’t complain, tell boring stories, or scream at you. Dogs can’t tell you that you suck or that the dress you’re wearing is ugly. Dogs are happily silent and express themselves with adorable head tilts, whimpers, and tail wags. So cute!

Dog Activities Are Easier

Kids always want to do complicated, costly shit like going to Lego Land or ice skating. Dogs are overjoyed if you take them outside. For a real treat, you can take them to the dog park and let them hang out with other dogs. They will freak out and absolutely love you. Children always want more, more, more. Dogs appreciate the simple things.

Dogs Don’t Need Babysitters

Sure, dogs get lonely, but they can watch themselves. Going to work, school, or the bar is so much easier when your furry child doesn’t require constant supervision. You save money, and you can leave at a moment’s notice without worrying about childcare. Your dog will miss you, for sure, but they’ll be perfectly safe alone on the couch with their rawhide and a treat.

Children Can’t Protect You

As a parent to a human, you’re actually responsible for protecting them in the face of danger. If you’re a dog parent, however, your fur baby just might be the one saving you. There are tons of examples of burglars being scared off by a dog barking, and even more impressive stories of dogs fighting off intruders in the middle of the night. With a child, you have to be the one fighting off an intruder, and honestly, that sounds like a lot of work.

Dogs Are More Popular on the Internet

Look, don’t adopt a dog for Instagram popularity. I’m just saying, once you have a dog, it’s going to bring in more likes and attention from Internet friends. Plus, with kids, you have to worry about creepy people. With a dog, there’s less of a concern about that.

Dogs Can’t Make Bad Decisions

Your dog won’t call you in the middle of the night to tell you they got arrested at a party- although that would be hilarious. Dogs can’t do things like get in-school suspension for pulling some girl’s weave out during a fight or get an F on a math test they didn’t study for. Your dog might eat the trash, but it won’t permanently affect their future.

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