Real Writers. Real Opinions. No Boundaries.

Why Don’t These Two Just Bang Already and Get it Over with?


About 3 minutes into the 2nd presidential debate on Sunday night, after Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton began spatting back and forth with way-too-personal attacks, it dawned on me that if these two people banged, we as a people wouldn’t have to deal with half of these low-ball attacks and cross-talk every time they’re in the same room together.

Maybe I’ve seen too many Meg Ryan movies (goodness, haven’t we all?) and I am sure I am not the first one to proffer the idea, but I think a good, old-fashioned sex session will alleviate the tension and spit-balling of what is considered the nastiest race for president in recent memory. It’s a lot like When Harry Met Sally, except not at all.

Comedian Bill Burr touched on the thought of Hillary and Donald going at it and while wondering what the kid would look like, Burr said in so many words that it (the kid) would have dead, black eyes, just sitting on a swing and staring at you—through you. Mr. Burr, I do not doubt it, sir. Fortunately, we are speaking only of copulation and not procreation; a sexual release of anxiety that 18 months of campaigning is sure to arouse. Also, I think Hillary has reached an age where pregnancy might not be a worry; I don’t know, I’m not a woman. Also, I support a woman’s right to choose. Also, Trump probably shoots blanks by now. Tony Randall he is not!

Now, I’m not asking you to record this sexual encounter, as it is a horror our imaginations cannot even capture nor endure. Worse than imagining your parents doing it. Like, if you imagined your parents doing it, but with the gender roles reversed. And there’s a poodle involved. It would be something like that. Hillary and Donald could, on their own time, get themselves a dirty, seedy motel room, the walls caked in shame and deceit, the neon from the Trump Taj Mahal sign blinking intermittently into the room…pantsuit tussled into the corner, the sheets stained with angry, deliberate sex and orange spray tan…no. No! Don’t think about it. It’s gross. It’s totally gross.

…varicose veins and Trump’s O face…hey! What did I tell you! Knock it off. Knock it off, it’s disgusting!

But it’s what the country needs.

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