The episode opens with Lady Crane giving a performance in the play, taking Arya’s advice and portraying Cersei as less sad and more angry. When she walks backstage after bringing the audience to tears, she hears a noise and discovers injured Arya hiding behind some costumes. Lady Crane takes her in and stitches up her stab wounds. She also invites her to join the acting crew and travel to Pentos, but Arya knows that no one will be safe with the Waif looking for her. Lady Crane gives Arya milk of the poppy — to her protest — and she falls asleep with Lady Crane watching over her. Arya seems safe for now, but we all know this is just the calm before the storm.
The Hound is BACK full force this week. In his first few minutes of screen time he literally slaughters those dudes who killed Brother Ray. Like he fully just charges in without saying anything and kills them all with an axe. And it’s awesome. A few of the men who killed his friend/those villagers were missing from the group, so the Hound continues on his mission to find them.
Back in Meereen, it looks like Tyrion’s plan is working. Although his pact with the slavers is bound to bite him in the ass at some point, for now he is just basking in his success and the newly-vibrant city around him. Varys is leaving — but, where is he going? I honestly don’t know. But you can tell that Tyrion is a little sad to be losing his friend; and maybe even worried about what he’ll do without his council while he waits for Danaerys to return.
Cersei is hanging out in the Red Keep, when she is told that members of the Faith Militant are inside and requesting that she come with them to meet with the High Sparrow. Cersei is like, “Um, wtf are these bitches doing in the Red Keep?” and goes down to meet them to tell them they can get the hell out. She is met by her cousin, Lancel, and several other members of the Faith Militant who tell her that the High Sparrow is requesting that they meet. Cersei tells them no, that she was promised she could stay in the Red Keep until her trial. Lancel and the rest insist that she come with them. Zombie Mountain steps forward to protect her, and Lancel says that if she does not call him off they will have to use violence. Cersei chooses violence, and Zombie Mountain proceeds to literally rip a guy’s head off with his bare hands. Cersei tells Lancel to tell the High Sparrow that he’s welcome to visit anytime. And here is where I ask the question: Why hasn’t Zombie Mountain done that to the High Sparrow yet? They’ve met face to face many times. Why doesn’t Cersei just end it all???
Brienne and Podrick (the cutest squire in the land) are approaching Riverrun, where Brienne is going to talk to Jaimie about how Sansa needs the Tully army to overtake Winterfell. While Brienne and Jaimie are in a tent talking, Bronn approaches Podrick and they have some friendly banter back and forth which is actually pretty funny. Bronn brings up the weird sexual tension between Jaimie and Brienne and, yes, it’s still weird. Inside the tent, Brienne asks for a chance to convince the Blackfish to give up the castle so that the Tully’s can come with her to help Sansa’s whole Winterfell situation. Jaimie gives her that chance, but says that if he does not surrender they will take it by force, and in that process Jaimie/Brienne may have to fight each other. It’s a weirdly emotional moment. Brienne enters the castle and fails — the Blackfish refuses to give up his home.
Back to Cersei, where she enters the hall for a royal announcement (that she was not informed of, for a reason that will soon be obvious). Tommen takes the Iron Throne and says that Cersei and Loras will soon go to trial — and, from now on, trial by combat is strictly forbidden. Well, shit. That was Cersei’s one surefire way out of this mess. Zombie Mountain has already proven useful, but the entire reason he was resurrected was so he could represent Cersei in a trial by combat. Tommen is clearly being majorly manipulated by the High Sparrow/Margaery. Wtf is Cersei going to do now that she has to stand trial in front of seven septons?
In one of my favorite scenes from the episode, Tyrion forces Missandei and Grey Worm to drink wine with him and tell jokes. It sounds random, but its so cute, and kind of calms down your perception of what is happening in Meereen. This is extremely short lived, however, as after this adorable exchange between Tyrion, Missandei, and Grey Worm, we see that the masters have come to Meereen to “pick up their property” as Missandei puts it. They are under attack.
In Riverrun, Jaimie enters Edmure’s tent to speak with him. Jaimie tries to be a little nice to him at first, but Edmure is not having it. He’s pissed at Jaimie and calls him evil, asking how he’s even able to sleep at night. Jaimie starts talking about Edmure’s sister, Catelynn, and talks about how much he loves Cersei and needs to get back to her. He drops a GREAT throwback line, “The things we do for love,” which takes us back to the very first episode of the series right before he pushes Bran off the tower in Winterfell and pretty much starts this entire mess. Ah, nostalgia. Anyway, Jaimie says he will murder every Tully who ever lived if he has to in order to get back to Cersei, and thus somehow convinces Edmure to enter the castle and force the Blackfish to surrender. Edmure approaches the castle and demands entry — and they have to let him in, because he is the Lord of the castle after all. Edmure enters and instructs everyone to lay down their weapons and open the gate for the Lannister army, who enter and take over. Brienne and Podrick are escaping out the back, and they urge the Blackfish to come with them, but he attempts to fight his way out instead (he dies). Jaimie sees Brienne and Podrick rowing away down the river, and he waves to them. He has achieved his goal.
Meereen is under attack and no one really knows what to do. Grey Worm says they have to wait in the pyramid and let the masters come to them. Someone is approaching the door; they get into attack formation and in comes… Danaerys! With Drogon flying around in the background. She’s about to fuck shit up (and unfortunately we’re going to have to wait another week — probably more — to see it happen).
The Hound has found the men he’s looking for, but they’ve already been found by the Brotherhood Without Banners. The Hound knows the men doing the hanging, so he asks why they’re being hanged. Turns out the Brotherhood is hanging them for the exact reason the Hound is out to kill them. The Brotherhood lets the Hound kill two of them, and then they sit down to eat. Lord Beric asks the Hound to join the Brotherhood, but the Hound is like, “nah.”
Arya, Arya, Arya. Don’t even get me started. Lady Crane is taking care of a sleeping Arya when the Waif enters (because fucking DUH the Waif was going to find you, Arya!), and kills Lady Crane. Arya wakes up and finds her extremely butchered body, and the Waif is still there and ready to kill Arya. Arya runs away and they have this intense chase through Braavos, and I really don’t understand why or how Arya thought that she was going to successfully just run away from the Waif who is like extremely skilled ??! Anyway, Arya falls down some stairs and reopens her stab wounds, so now she’s stumbling through Braavos, leaving a blood trail so the Waif follows her to the cave from a few episodes back, where she hit Needle. The Waif finds her, cowering, and Arya stands up with Needle to fight. The Waif is confident that she’s going to kill Arya, but then Arya cuts a candle in half, leaving them in complete darkness. Well, Arya was blind for a bit so she’s prettttty good at fighting in the pitch black, whereas the Waif always fought Ary with her sight completely in tact. We don’t get to see the fight (damn it), but jump to the House of Black and White and Jaqen discovers the Waif’s face fresh in the Hall of Faces. Arya appears, and for a second I thought she was going to kill Jaqen, which would’ve been cool, but she just tells Jaqen that she’s Arya Stark of Winterfell and then leaves.
Ok. This Arya part was pretty cool. But are you SERIOUS that we just wasted like, multiple seasons watching Arya sweep the damn floors of the House of Black and White trying to become one of the Faceless Men for NO REASON? She literally just LEAVES after all that time she wasted in Braavos??? And now she’s going back to Winterfell?? Couldn’t you have like, gone to the Wall to see Jon or something? SO MUCH WASTED TIME!
Anyway, next week looks like it’s going to be an entire Jon vs. Ramsay episode, and I’ve never been more excited for anything in my life.