Who has two thumbs and hates both having house guests and being one? THIS GUY. And, to clarify, I don’t have house guests so much as overpriced-one-bedroom-apartment guests. Maybe it’s just because I’m socially awkward, but I’m uncomfortable in either situation. I don’t like sleeping anywhere but my own bed, I feel like I have to keep all of my belongings obsessively compartmentalized and easily accessible (never understood those people who actually unpack and put their clothes in the dressers in hotel rooms–those drawers are for Bibles ONLY), I cringe when using someone else’s shower and towels, even though they’re probably cleaner than me, etc. And vice versa: I don’t like people sleeping in my bed or on my couch, leaving their clutter all over my apartment, using my shower and towels, etc. However, sometimes it’s inevitable. So here are some tips for how to be not the worst house guest, which will also help make your experience as one slightly more tolerable.
Bring a small house gift (nice candle, ornament, bottle of wine, bouquet, something unique from your hometown, NOT soap or anything else that could be interpreted as passively aggressively offensive, etc.) and write a heartfelt thank you card (if you don’t feel heartfelt, fucking pretend to be it’s the least you can do these people are letting you sleep in their house).
At the end of your stay, strip your bed and fold your sheets and towels on top of it to
give the illusion of making make laundry easier.
Ladies, for the love of God, clean your hair out of the shower drain! Don’t be gross. (And guys, if you find yourselves having to do this, re-evaluate your life choices).
Don’t get too comfortable.
Do not engage in family drama–maintain your position as neutral third party.
[Pretend to] Offer to help around the house.
Anticipate your needs–bring your own toiletries (especially if there are ones you absolutely must have, like Q-tips, the only soap you’re not allergic to, a shower cap if anyone still uses those, whatever) and anything else you know you’ll need (if they have a dog that sheds, bring your own lint remover, if you’re gluten-free, vegan, or vegetarian, don’t be, etc.)
Be flexible and go with the flow. Just be cool, man.