Happy Wedding Season: The 6 Worst Things About Being a Bridesmaid

Bridesmaids

As wedding season grows near, single women gather to mourn their free weekends because wedding season means only one thing: Bridesmaids season. There are a million reasons being a bridesmaid can suck, but these 6 are really the worst.

The Dress

“You can shorten it and wear it again” is the biggest crock of shit ever. No one, and I mean no one, ever wears their bridesmaid dress again. Weddings are pretty much the last big event where you dress up like you’re going to a ball, and even if the dress is cute it’s still too fancy to wear any where else. Not to mention the fact that you had to spend money on buying the stupid thing to begin with. And don’t forget the matching shoes! Even if the bride lets you choose your own dress within a color scheme, chances are you don’t happen to have a burgundy, or rose gold, or turquoise dress just hanging out in your closet. Unless its a black and white themed wedding, I don’t have a dress and that means spending cash. Not cool.

Nope, you’re never wearing that again.

This is what a waste of $300 looks like.

The Gift

Ok, so you spend all the money on buying your dress, doing your hair/makeup/nails, treating the bride to her bachelorette, and now you STILL have to buy a fucking gift??? Are you kidding?? You think I’m made of cash?? Where is my damn gift for not getting pregnant after all these years of responsible sex??! I don’t get so much as a free latte at Starbucks, much less a big ass party in my honor where gifts shower down on me. And being a bridesmaid means you are literally OBLIGATED to get something extra thoughtful and nice for the couple because they’re probably family or really close friends and will notice if you don’t get them something. Then you have to get the fancy wrapping paper, a nice card, and lug the damn thing all the way to the party wearing a stupid dress you’ll never wear again.

The Bachelorette Party

OK, I’m a pretty sexually open woman. Ive been to strip clubs, Ive kissed girls blah blah blah. There is nothing less sexy than a bachelorette party. Getting a group of women together, getting them drunk on ultra sweet cocktails, and forcing them to drink through penis straws while they try to be comfortable with a random cock in their face? Not a recipe for a sexy night. It might be the years of societal conditioning, but for some reason women just aren’t as comfortable with being publicly sexual as men. Men roll up to a strip club and settle in like its normal to see naked women dancing around. Women? Not so much. Plus, its not as if you’re going to have the bride pay for her own drinks, so now you’re paying for drinks and lap dances for two. FUN!

OMG LOOK AT HOW MUCH FUN WERE HAVING

Bridal Shower

Oh yeah, there is nothing I would rather do on a Sunday afternoon than have yet ANOTHER party to celebrate you getting married. Get you ANOTHER gift?? Of course, no problem! Oh my gosh, giggle giggle, grandma got you a pair of sexy lace panties!! How scandalous! Yeah, being a bridesmaid means you’re obligated to go AND help plan the bridal shower. And that means money too. Basically you should just forfeit your savings account the minute you agree to being a bridesmaid.

Group Chats

Yeah, you’re worst nightmare: A group chat you can’t put on mute or leave. Prepare for ALL the emojis, ALL the gifs, ALL the LOL OMG HAHAHAHA’s. Your phone is going to ding every 5 seconds with someones idea for the bachelorette or bridal shower or something cute they saw on Pinterest, and its going to drive you insane. And if you do actually mute the conversation? The next time you check your phone you’ll have 942 text messages and you’ll have gotten roped into a trip to Bali you can’t afford for the bachelorette party because you weren’t there to be the voice of reason.

The Actual Wedding

Having drunk single guys call dibs on you? Check

Having to help the bride lift up her dress so she can pee? Check

Wrangling the groom when he gets cold feet? Check

Being taller than the random groomsman walking you down the isle? Probably Check

An endless stream of posed pictures where you try to look happy in extreme discomfort? Check

At least after the wedding is over you can relax, at least until next weekend when you have ANOTHER wedding.

Pass the vodka.

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