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Here’s What Happened On Last Night’s Episode of ‘RHONJ’

Joe Gorga is talking to Melissa about speaking to a psychic medium to contact his recently deceased mother. Melissa doesn’t really care about this- more interested in talking to him about how Kim D has resurrected herself from the past and is now spreading rumors to Siggy and Dolores about how Teresa has been cheating on her husband while he sits in prison for the next two years.

Meanwhile, Margaret is catching up her husband, Joe #8; letting him know that her, Melissa, Teresa and Danielle are planning an elaborate heist of Kim D’s event later that evening, showing up there to have Teresa scream shrilly at Kim about the rumor and perhaps throw something violently across a catering hall.

Kim D(emon) is preparing for her fashion show and is circling around the proscenium of a banquet hall like a vulture and greeting Siggy and Dolores who are getting ready to walk in the show that evening. Kim’s eyes look like she’s stolen the eyes of a dozen children, had them surgically stretched out, and then had them sutured onto her face like a mask. Each season with her, her eyes enlarge. Her 19 layers of mascara and eyeliner are spilling overboard across the rest of her face. She’s here to talk to Dolores and Siggy in front of the cameras for a moment, and they tell her that Teresa was not at all happy after having heard the news that Kim D was busy yacking in her store to everyone and their uncle about Teresa “getting friendly” with an “old flame”. “What was her reaction”, Kim D bellows like an ogre beckoning for a toll to be paid from underneath a bridge in a swamp, her eyes getting even more enormous than the moment before. She looks like a parakeet. “She threw her wine glass across the restaurant”, replies Siggy, recanting Teresa’s behavior at dinner the other night. Kim D is grinning wildly like a mental patient, and telling them how she was out and saw Teresa hugging a guy out of her peripherals. “That could mean anything”, Siggy tells her. The women all begin screaming at one another within a matter of seconds. “It’s not true”, both women shout at her while they’re getting their hair done. “You’re a scorpion”, Dolores tells her and Kim D flounces away grandly, disappearing into a puff of smoke.

Danielle is arriving over at Margaret’s to prepare for the Posche fashion show. Margaret has been meeting with interior decorators and for some reason, her team has stripped the entire house of all furniture and paint except for an enormous taxidermy grizzly bear. Danielle recants to Margaret the story of the last time she saw Kim D. It was when Kim was pulling the extensions out of Danielle’s head at that event at the rotary club back in season 2 she says. But Danielle is remembering things the wrong way. We all remember that the person pulling the extensions out of Danielle’s head was Jaqueline Laurita’s shitty daughter, Ashlee. So I don’t know what this big government coverup is that Bravo is trying to pull off. Some conspiracy level stuff is happening here, and I’m not going to support this misremembered narrative. Perhaps I will, however, because Kim D is an awful miserable succubus and a harpy of a woman and I want everyone else to detest her as much as I.

All of the women are piling into an Escalade on their way to Kim D’s show, yelling “time to call that bitch out” and all cackling as the car travels down the highway.

As soon as the women enter, Kim D is sitting there like a vile serpent, coiled up and hissing, her long reptilian tongue flicking in and out of her mouth. Melissa, Teresa, Danielle, and Margaret are plotting their plan of attack huddled behind a doorway saying things like “whattawe gonna do? Just walk up ta her?”

“Hi ladies, welcome to Posche, how are you”, Kim seethes at them when they enter. “I needa talk ta you”, Teresa barks at her, her master plan of attack coming all into fruition as she smiles to herself proudly. “Are you all gonna talk at the same time, we gonna do a one on one, whattawe gonna do?” Kim D crows pointedly, before belching “I’ll take youse all c’mon”, and beckoning them into a more private area where they can all scream at each other in decibels only dogs can hear and throw expensive objects at the walls.

“Nobody’s gonna talk about me or my husband”, Teresa starts. “Too bad!” spits Kim, the words already being vomited out of her big beak before Teresa’s even finished stumbling over the words she’s prepared and rehearsed hours in advance. “Because I feel like it”, she’s repeating over and over again, before screaming at Teresa that “everyone’s been telling her that they see Teresa out all night at clubs”. “There’s no chain on my foot I could do whateva I want”, Teresa is gesturing wildly with her tanned I-talian hands, her bangle bracelets all clacking together loudly.

“I knew that this rumor was a bunch of bullshit, but Kim basically just admitted that the whole basis for her trying to destroy Teresa’s marriage was that someone saw her out at a club”, Melissa is saying in her confessional, as the women continue screaming at each other in the background, their acrylics all flying and clacking all over the place. I vaguely make out something from Kim D about how “you throw somethin at me, gurl, you’re leavin’ in handcuffs”. This elicits Margaret to begin shrieking something I can’t understand at the top of her fucking lungs.

“Ya know what POSCHE stands for?” Teresa is screaming. “Piece of shit, coke whore, home wrecker, every day”. This is by far, my favorite line of any television show ever recorded in history. Unbelievable in every way. It doesn’t even spell POSCHE. it spells POSCWHWED. But if Teresa Giudice doesn’t care about this detail, then NEITHER THE FUCK DO I. I want to start abbreviating everything. The letters might not even have to match up to what I’m trying to abbreviate, but it won’t matter. Everything is better when you scream acronyms out and brandish your long acrylic fingernails and your charm bracelets in someone’s face with your big gigantic hairdo. Watch part of the shakedown below:

Before I can recover from this, Kim is being carted away by two ladies who appear as if from nowhere, each sporting a may-I-speak-to-a-manager hairdo. Meanwhile Teresa is knocking over all the chairs and looking for any glassware she can find to throw in Kim’s direction. Siggy is in the corner crying, of course, but she makes a speedy recovery in order to prance down the runway two minutes later in the next room as a man in the background plays an LED light up alto sax.

Margaret, Danielle, Teresa, and Melissa all evacuate to go drink and yell elsewhere in the comfort of Margaret’s bright green and pleather upholstered living room. Teresa is now having some doubts about traveling to Italy with Siggy and Dolores on the upcoming trip all of the women have planned.

Dolores is at a diner talking to her big ‘roidsy ex husband, Frank, about something with her son that I couldn’t care less about. Frank is just sitting there built like a fridge and pumping electricity out of himself. His veins are all throbbing and his brow is sweating and he’s turning red from the overexertion of just sitting there. All of a sudden Siggy arrives, wearing something I can’t even describe. It’s a blousy shirt but it’s patterned like a picnic blanket and its sleeves are puffy but only because they’re tied like that with what looks like industrial rope. Siggy starts talking to Frank about the Kim D/Teresa fiasco, and he looks so disinterested that his head looks like it is about to rocket off of his  giant apartment building-sized shoulders and he’s about to start expelling steam from his eardrums.

Joe Gorga has invited a psychic medium over to his house to summon the spirit of his and Teresa’s dead mother. Melissa is uneasy about this; she doesn’t like ghosts she says. Teresa arrives, the psychic just a few paces behind her. Her name is Concetta and she’s wearing some insane denim cowboy boots with spurs coming out of them the likes of which I’ve never before seen. She’s also wearing a Hawaiian printed chef’s coat in a matching color to the boots. When Melissa offers her a glass of wine, Concetta toots “oh noooo I never mix alcohol with dead people.”

The idea of Reality TV psychics has always seemed a bit suss to me. Doesn’t make sense. People who are not psychics also have google, and can look up what’s going on in these people’s lives because they’re famous. For instance, Teresa Giudice has sold cover stories of herself to every tabloid magazine who would buy them for every week for the past 8 years now. So I’m already feeling like this woman with her jean cowboy boots and her giant suit jacket is a little bogus. She tells Teresa that maybe one of her daughters might be a bit psychic and footage of Milania begins to roll. We all knew this. Even when Milania was 1 and a half years old and screaming bloody murder at the store while her mother picked out hair bows for her, I knew this child was gifted with higher powers. Watch part of the conjuring below:

Margaret is getting her adorable little old mother all done up to go on a blind date. She looks perfect and I love her. I hope her date goes well and that she gets everything wonderful that she has ever wished for.

Siggy is coming over to Teresa’s for Teresa to scream at her about how she hates Kim D and how she finds Siggy disgusting for walking in her fashion show. Siggy maintains that she only did it because it was for charity, how she’s such a charitable, wonderful philanthropist, for doing something so great like wearing an expensive dress down a walkway and getting her makeup and hair done. Regular Mother Teresa over here, and I’m not talkin’ Giudice. Siggy is also mad at Margaret. She’s upset that Margaret equated Kim D with Hitler at dinner the other night.

Margaret’s mothers’ blind date is underway and she’s ordering a cocktail called the “Summer Time Nostalgia”. A queen in every way. She’s telling her date about how she’s been having a lot of food allergies lately. He compliments her tattoo and she informs him that she’s been thinking of getting another one in a place that “no one would see unless I’m naked”. Watch part of Marge Sr.’s date below:

And next week, the women are all off to Italy, and in the trailer for it alone, at least three different objects are thrown and shattered against a restaurant wall.

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