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Here’s What Happened On Last Night’s Episode of “RHONY”

On vacation in Vermont, Bethenny apologizes to Tinsley for yelling at her at dinner the other night. During the argument on last week’s episode, Tinsley mentioned her arrest approximately ninety-seven separate times, managing to slip it into the conversation and meet her per-minute quota of bringing it up to a rate of about once per second. “I” and “got” and “arrested” are literally the only three words she has ever learned.

At breakfast, Sonja marches down the stairs and she is wearing a negligee that she stole out of Ramona’s luggage.

Speaking of Ramona, she has even more fillers in her face and eyes this week and she looks puffy enough to the point of bursting and getting her plastic facial juices all over the rented cabin.

Sitting around the table, Sonja begins squawking about how she is “transitioning” and literally all of America sat on the edge of their seats with the rest of the Housewives ladies thinking that this was the big moment we’ve all been waiting for. Unfortunately, no. Sonja is just transitioning into “being the type of friend who’s ‘with’ Luann during her marriage.” I don’t have any idea what she means by this at all. It doesn’t make any sense. The Countess then makes some kind of quip to the other women where she bellows “I mean, do look like I transitioned”? Uhhhh…..

This breakfast is so awkward it’s making my neck sweat. Sonja keeps talking about how she thinks it’s time for her and Luann and Tom to become best friends with one another and “transition” together. No one knows what in the hell she’s talking about, I think she crushed up about seven pills from her Xanax prescription and put them in the fruit smoothie she’s drinking just to pass the time before a morning ski.

When the ladies leave the house to go skiing, Sonja makes a big giant stink out of making sure she brought her hormone pills with her in her purse.

Bethenny’s snowboard has a giant SkinnyGirl decal emblazoned across the back of it.

Out on the mountain, Ramona is acting like a predator, petting the ski instructor she hired on the armpit of his snowgear, and urging him to take pictures on her iPhone of her with all of her Botox. Meanwhile she is talking in her confessional about how “we are women in our forties”. Ramona is 60.

Back at the house, Carole is just chatting with Dorinda about Bethenny’s ex-husband, Jason, when randomly, just out of the blue, she gets a Google alert that Jason has been arrested for stalking.

Ramona has brought her ski instructor back to the cabin and immediately demands that he go get her a drink and her phone charger for her so she can sit and relax and plug it in.

Tinsley is chatting with Carol about the new antidepressants she’s on whilst sipping a rum and coke and her lips are literally like:

Ramona has invited a parade of gentleman restauranteurs over to Bethenny’s cabin to cook for her as though the Queen herself has come to visit Vermont.

Tinsley’s antidepressants and all of the alcohol she has tossed back are NOT reacting well with one another at all and she is on the couch moaning about how she has a shopping addiction, listing off all of the stores she buys knitwear at around the city. At one point she is making no sense at all whatsoever, brushing her face with the scarf she is wearing, and saying something to the effect of “you know I could get something cheap, and spend like not $1,000 but maybe like 5 or 6 or 7 or maybe even less” and Dorinda and Luann are just sitting there like:

At dinner, Bethenny decides that they should play a couple of rounds of Truth or Dare and Carole immediately announces “well okay, when’s the first time everyone had anal sex” to which Tinsley pipes up like her eyeballs are going to shoot forth from off her face. Dorinda. Is. Offended. She is frustratedly yelling “that’s not appropriate behaviour. I would never do that. That’s not acceptable. It’s unacceptable. It’s not natural, okay? There’s a stop sign there.”

All of the women are trashed out of their gourds and are screaming over one another like they’re all on Fox News. The dinner party talk switches rapidly between anal sex, to exactly how much anal sex Tinsley has had, to Dorinda comparing the size of her dry cleaner boyfriend John’s penis to a large cucumber.

Next, Luann is acting prudish and talking about how thankful the girls talking about anal sex makes her feel for getting to be married to Tom D’Agastino, AKA Gru from the Despicable Me franchise. The resemblance there is uncanny:

Speaking of Tom, he would have loved to travel to Vermont with the women for some skiing and a game of Truth or Dare, but he’s been busy out on a promotional tour for the Despicable Me 3 film, which is currently out in theatres.

The episode ends with Luann drunkenly rolling her eyes at Sonja and looking like she’s about to slit someone’s throat, while she tries to act coy and twee for the camera, giggling countess-edly and repeating the words “These are my friends. These are my friends. These are my friends.” over and over again like she is perhaps having a small stroke.

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