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Here’s What Happened On Last Night’s Episode of ‘RHONY’

Sonja and Tinsley are both getting placenta facials.

Sonja looks like she is wearing a Kabuki mask. She chats about how she thinks she was allergic to Harry Dubin’s sperm when they dated previously, back in the early nineteenth century during the War of 1812.

Over at one of Bethenny’s 49 houses, she is hanging with a team of assistants, and wearing Freddy Kreuger’s hat.

Sonja heads off to get her vagina waxed (some quality television here), and she sports a brown bucket hat and cape ensemble.

During her appointment, a short man with warts named Christian who owns the waxing place comes in to greet Sonja, wearing a suit. Then, he stays in the room and watches as the waxing technician strips Sonja’s vagina bare, and he is grinning a toothy smile throughout. I felt like my eyes were on fire. During the waxing, Sonja is on drugs and she chuckles to the technician about how men’s hairy balls are like “little baby hamsters”.

The women all go out for an upscale dinner to celebrate the fact that they are leaving for a vacation to Mexico soon (???), and something is happening with Sonja Morgan’s eyebrows. They are literally so dark that at this point I feel the need to heighten the brightness on my television. The shade of black they are is a color so black, LED television screens are not yet designed to compute it. They have been dyed Vantablack– a black which scientists have been working for years to make so black, it only absorbs 0.035% of visual light.

Bethenny tries to invite Ramona on their upcoming trip to Mexico, but Ramona throws a public temper tantrum and at one point, she is disassociating and bellowing about how she feels like her arms and her legs have been cut off. Ramona ends things by saying “you know Bethenny, we’re just like oil and vinegar, we don’t go together” to which Bethenny retorts “oil and vinegar go together, you mean oil and water”, gesturing to the two decanters of oil and vinegar propped on the table they are sitting at. Ramona’s response is “no they don’t. No. Nooooope. Nope. It separates. Mix it together and it separates.”

Carole and Adam go on a double date with a man they are setting Tinsley up with who looks so nervous that his double chin could very well burst off of his neck at any moment like a big goiter. Tinsley is at peak level of sheer annoyance tonight and the mind-numbing shrillness of her irritating voice is making other people dining at the restaurant leave. The two hit it off instantly, bonding over the most vanilla things two white people could ever have in common: their birthdays are both in August (“OMG WE’RE BIRTHDAY TWINS” she shrieks, clapping her hands like a monkey with cymbals), they both love Tito’s vodka (“I’m totally a Tito’s guy” he chuckles, and she screams “WOOOOOOOO” and does a little dance), and they both love pools (“I can’t believe this guy loves pools! I’m a total pool girl”, Tinsley gushes in her confessional). At one point, Tinsley is being so aggravating that Carole needs to take her for a walk to tell her to stop doing all of the things that she is doing. Tinsley takes this advice and fucking runs so far with it that she sits beside the man when they go back to the table and starts making out with him.

Basically live footage of what this date looked like:

And coming up next week, the women jet off to Mexico and Luann takes a tumble down some steps in a pantsuit:

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