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Here’s What Happened On Last Night’s Season Finale of “RHONJ”

Siggy is going shopping for prom outfits with son, Joshua, when he announces that he’s made his decision to go to Penn State for college. Siggy breaks down and starts shrieking with glee like a mental patient, almost falling over, flailing and screaming in the cashier’s face. This means she’ll only be just a car ride away from little Joshy-poo at all times, and she can drive just three hours to squeeze his little cheekies and sniff his armpits and his head and tell him how good he smells. “I’ll be there every weekend Josh”, she warns.

It’s Teresa’s birthday and while preparing a surprise for her, little Milania is hacking away at a cow shoulder with a meat tenderizer. When she arrives,Teresa tells everyone that she’ll be visiting her husband in prison for the first time in 8 months over the weekend, a visit she doesn’t seem particularly excited about at all. She tells the Gorgas and her daughters that this is her “best birthday ever…well not really”. She misses her mother being there she says. One would think she wouldn’t be too crazy about her husband being locked up in prison for it either, but hey, whaddaya gonna do.

Dolores and ex husband, Frank, AKA the giant Heavy Duty Diesel Freightliner Engine Truck That Could, are out bowling with their son, Little Frank. Frank Sr.’s brow is heaving and pulsating, his arms nearly bursting through the thin layer of screaming fabric holding the two sides of his T-shirt sleeves together, as he tries to lace up his bowling shoes. Dolores can’t stop talking about what a good kid her son is, giving him sex eyes from behind the shelter of one of Frank Sr.’s enormous shoulder blades. I think the bond that connects her and Siggy must have something to do with the fact that they both have some kind of weird reverse Oedipus complex business detail going on with each of their own sons.

Teresa is off with Milania and the littlest one, Audriana, to go see Joe in prison. Teresa is telling the girls that the last time they made this trip, grandma was still alive, and the little not even 7 year old child in the back squeaks “I wish I could rewind the time”, like an angel. Teresa is talking in her testimonial about how she lost the year and a half she spent in prison that could have been spent with her mother instead. “I feel like it’s Joe’s fault”, she says. Cameras were not allowed into the prison for filming, and Bravo feels the need to tell us this with a cut screen notice, as if we would otherwise assume that the Real Housewives producers must be able to make literally anything happen.

Out shopping for gifts for Margaret’s Studio 54-themed 50th birthday bash at Jonathan Adler the next day, Melissa and Joe Gorga discuss the dissolution of Teresa’s marriage, and her recent visit to go see her husband in prison. “Do you think he apologized”, Joe asks Melissa, as he strokes the shaft of some hideous kind of giant glass dildo that Jonathan Adler has for sale. “The way I’ve been hearin’ my  sister talk, which I’ve never heard her talk like, that if he doesn’t apologize and do the right thing, I don’t know man, she might walk”, sticking together sentence fragments. “She sounds like she’s gonna walk”, Melissa retorts, but Joe is mesmerized by the glass obelisk, and he can’t help but ram his crotch up behind it and try to fuck it, going “what is this even”, and acting incredulous. “Look at this, Meliss”, he is trying to show her, but she is whispering “Joe, stop” at him through gritted teeth. “But look at it, it looks like a…like a nose”, he is chortling, completely in awe of the piece, trying to touch it all over with his small, greasy hands, the stores sales clerk peering over the frames of her glasses to make sure he doesn’t break anything.

Unfortunately Teresa butts in just in time to cut Joe’s playtime with the glass orb short and talk immediately turns to Teresa’s visit to prison over the weekend. Teresa informs them that she told Joe that she needed him to apologize for dragging her into his mess with their bankruptcy and causing her to lose the eleven and a half months she had in prison which could have been spent with her mother otherwise. “He was like ‘Teresa do you read my letters I’ve said that to you a million times”, she tells them. The thought of Joe Giudice writing Teresa lengthy emotional letters apologizing to her from within a prison cell with a shiv tucked into his sock makes me want to die inside. Teresa tells them that Joe did indeed apologize to her and that then they started crying into each other’s arms as little Milania and tiny Audriana started to cry in the background with them, which is one of the most heartbreaking and depressing mental pictures this show has ever painted in its history.

Joshua is getting ready for his prom and Siggy is a blubbering, sopping mess of a woman during this- I had to turn the television’s volume down. “I wanna go to prom with you, how da ya like that?”, she tells her son, before pulling out a series of pictures of Josh with his stuffed piggy when he was 3 and a collection of images of him sucking his pacifier, which she of course has right on hand, shoved inside one of the pockets of her dress. When Joshua’s girlfriend, Demi, arrives, she looks terrified, as Siggy, who is squeezing her tightly and gasping in between sobs croaks “O. M. G.” at her. If I am ever fifty years old and having the audacity to say “O M G” at a person a third my age please just end it.

Margaret’s party is underway, and this party has everything. Men dressed up in pleather suits with black angel wings coming out of their backs, a yard filled with life sized ceramic horses, people dressed like aliens waiting in the bushes to serve drinks, huge, blown up photographs of Margaret plastered all over the walls, and, Margaret, herself, wearing about fourteen sets of false eyelashes and with nine inches of glitter caked onto her eyelids: she looks amazing. There’s a graveyard filled with both plastic tombstones (?) and flashing disco balls set up out back because, as you’ll remember, she had asked her party planners for a “graveyard of disco”, and a whole cast of kooky characters rolling in through the door of this event.

All of the other women are getting ready for the party, each with a team of at least two make up artists (and a few extras just to help heave Dolores’ thirty-five pound Diana Ross wig onto her head), when Joe Gorga enters wearing his regular everyday clothes with his shirt unbuttoned an extra two buttons and he goes “ey waddaya think? Studio 54, huh?” He, much like his sister, (who in a past episode asked Margaret “wait whaddayou mean studio 54”, an inquisitive smile plastered to her face), clearly doesn’t understand what the theme of the party is, but he’s trying, and I feel for him, tiny little baby man that he is. I just want to squeeze his cheeks and smell his head. Rock him back and forth in an oversized crib to stop him from crying in the middle of the night. Dress him up in little holy communion outfits and tickle his chin. But I digress.

When Melissa and Joe arrive at the party, Melissa immediately sees one of the life-size ceramic horses outside and wants to get atop it. “She gets on the horsey horse every night”, Joe announces to everyone within earshot, chuckling to himself that he came up with something so clever. “Can you act nice, like a gentleman”, Melissa chides him, somehow forgetting that just a moment ago she was the one asking to get on top of one of the pieces of decor.

Dolores’ wig seems to have become somewhat de-pouffed on the trip from her house to Margaret’s, but not to fear, big, hefty, wheelbarrow Frank Sr.  is right on her tail, and the heat being emitted from his sweating red face should surely be providing enough humidity to keep the wig afloat.

All of a sudden it’s time for Margaret’s grand entrance, and as a throng of guests gathers, we hear a team of handlers barking orders in the background trying to get Margaret on top of one of the ceramic horses, which has now been put on top of a set of wheels and which, in just a few moments, she will be wheeled about the grounds on. But first, a series of chairs are being brought out to try and get her atop the beast, seven different men, for some reason dressed up like Erika Jayne’s backup dance crew, all trying to all help not rip her dress during the transaction. This isn’t taking place around a corner or anything, not behind a wall or in a garage. This is happening for about ten minutes directly in front of all of the bystanders, until finally, Margaret boards the horse.

“Is that a real horse”, Joe Gorga is asking everyone, so out of touch with reality that he hasn’t been able to notice that that all of the horses around the property that he’s been walking around for the past hour and a half are all statues and not live animals. “Wow that’s cool”, he breathes. Meanwhile, the ceramic horse that Margaret is being wheeled in on is being jolted about four feet from where it started out, about twenty men on the statue’s rear pushing it forward, as everyone claps and coos “wowwwwwww”. Margaret de-boards the horse to make a tearful speech about how blessed she is, which is really just a moment of sheerly amazing comedic timing giving the charade we’ve just witnessed. “I’m one lucky girl”, she is crying in her testimonial. #blessed.

The party kicks into high gear, and nine foot tall men dressed in see through capes and gomorra party masquerade masks are walking around with punch bowls serving the guests. A woman is whisper screaming over all the noise “I JUST HEARD A RUMOR” into Margaret’s ear. “Hold on I just got a text”, Dolores announces, as the party underscore Bravo has opted for keeps cutting out to serve up dramatic effect. “DIDJU HEAR WHAT HAPPENED”, Teresa is screaming. “I heard Siggy isn’t coming”, Margaret is alerting Danielle. “Someone said she might be in the hospital”, she continues. “Oh my god”, Danielle crows, rolling her eyes up all the way into her head. “Let’s find the other girls I’ve gotta find out what the story is” Margaret is saying, before picking up the train of her dress and looping it around her index finger to graze through the crowd, as partygoers dance emphatically all around her.

Margaret’s mother is chatting it up with Danielle’s boyfriend, who is asking her if she’s ever been to Studio 54 in what seems to be a “do you come here often” type tone. “Way back when” she tells him, through shrugs. “Wow, you musta been doin’ some crazy stuff, haha” he chuckles flirtatiously, sucking his teeth. “My drug of choice has always been alcohol”, she assures him, before going off through the crowd to pose for a picture with a man in a top hat and red sequined suit.

“Siggy’s in the hospital”, Margaret squawks when she finds the other women. “She fell”, Dolores breathes. “What are the chances that she literally falls on the way to Margaret’s party”, Melissa is asking in her testimonial. “She has a swollen, well…almost a broken ankle”, Dolores is announcing.

“Oh my god, it’s another deflection”, Danielle moans. “A deflection”, Dolores is asking. “It’s for attention”, Danielle tells everyone. “I don’t know what you’re talking about”, Dolores is laughing at her. “When she has tears and she deflects and, and, and uhhhh…trying to call her anti Semitic, and then she goes and uhhhh…cries”, Danielle is listing off, so drunk at this point that she can’t even remember anything that’s happened for the entirety of the season leading up till now. “You’re such a slob”, Dolores caws back into her face. Texts are all firing through to the other women’s phones from Siggy, where she’s alerting them all in live time about all of the CAT-scans she’s getting on her hip and head. Mighty fall this must have been. Bitch broke her ankles, her hip and her head all in one tumble. Margaret is a bit irked that Siggy didn’t think to text her that she wouldn’t be able to make it, but she moves on with her evening, swooshing throughout the house and stopping to dance with guests along the way.

“Did Siggy really break her leg”, Joe is asking. Joe is drunk. “My first thought was if I don’t like somebody and I don’t really want to go to their party I’d be like my head hurts I can’t come” Melissa offers him. “So you’re sayin, she threw herself down the stairs not to come”, Joe is saying back to her, an idiotic childlike smile sutured to his face. “I’m not saying that, I mean what is she, crazy?” Melissa laughs back at him. “I think that”, Joe pipes up, before recanting all of the other moments this season when Siggy’s behavior has seemed a little out of touch. It’s the perfect moment for Bravo to recap, once again, the time when Siggy laid on the wood floor of her purse party and started making snow angels, screaming about the cake being thrown and going “thank youuuuuuu, that’s all I wanted”.

Over at the emergency room, Siggy’s husband is driving out of the parking lot, as Siggy wears a sling on her arm, and groaning about the pain in her shoulder. “Tonight has been absolutely horrible”, she is saying in her testimonial. “As I was getting ready for a party that I’m not even like super excited about going to, my heel missed the step, and boom. I fall down eighteen stairs.” But the hospital sent her home with a sprained ankle and a contusion on her arm, and she’s “just grateful that it wasn’t worse”. Making her exit from the hospital, where Dolores called her to tell her that Danielle was “trying to pick a fight with her”, Siggy’s husband, Michael Campanella is powering down the road to drive Siggy to Margaret’s party because, according to Siggy, “nobody talks about Siggy Flicker like that”.

Walking through the party, milking a limp and moaning the whole way about her injuries, Flicker is sporting a pink sequin dress, a sling around her left arm, one pink faux fur-lined slipper with a bright yellow sock underneath on one foot, and a medical ankle boot on the other. When she finds all of the women inside she circles them all together to tell them about all of her CAT-Scans.

“Where’d Danielle go”, Dolores is panting, just as Danielle is walking out to join them. “Did you guys think I’m faking it or something”, Siggy demands of Melissa and she. “I thought bitch threw herself right down the fuckin stairs before she would wanna go to Margaret’s party”, Melissa tells her laughing, and Siggy cackles back at her patronizingly. “I’m not surprised by anything that comes out of Danielle’s mouth, but I’m disappointed that Melissa drank the Kool-Aid”, Siggy is saying in her testimonial.

“You know I love myself”, Siggy tells the women. “I wouldn’t throw myself down the steps, I’m all about the Sig”, she continues. Ick. “I gotta admit it to you, I didn’t wanna come”, she says to all of the ladies, Margaret included.

“I was a little shocked when you didn’t want to meet Marge Sr.”, Margaret tells her, in reference to last weeks stint at the Gorga’s pizzeria (which, according to US Weekly just yesterday, is closing less than a year after it opened), where Siggy opted to leave the event altogether rather than be introduced to Margaret’s mother. “I never called you and said I wanted to be friends, I don’t wanna be friends”, Siggy tells her like a delusional ignoramus, her mouth flapping open and shut wildly. “I came here to be with Melissa and Teresa”, she continues. “I love them so much”. “If you don’t wanna be here just fuckin leave” Margaret spits back at her. “Thank you. There is a God and God is good. Buhbye” Siggy praises the heavens in her testimonial. Siggy gets up to leave, Dolores trailing right behind her, her wig now completely de pouffed, and Teresa following just behind. “My loyalty lies with you, so I’m gonna leave witchoo”, Teresa is crowing into her ear for some reason.

Back inside, Margaret Sr. Is still jiving it up with the man in the sequined suit and top hat as the other women are all screaming at each other over the music about how Teresa just left with Siggy and Dolores. “Are you fucking kidding me”, Margaret fires back. “I’m not sure why Teresa left”, she is saying in her testimonial. “I thought we were gonna have a great night and then she goes off with those two lunatics.” “Right now the group is divided but at least I know I’m on the side of right”, Melissa says in her confessional, as the season wraps with Margaret making a wish atop her lavish birthday cake, the throng of party guests singing “happy birthday” in the background.

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