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Here’s What Happened on Last Night’s Episode of ‘RHONJ’

The cake throwing incident is still causing strife in Boca Raton

Siggy
Courtesy Bravo

We’re picking up where we left off with Siggy Flicker screaming her giant head off after Melissa and Teresa had lathered cake all over each other at a fancy Florida restaurant and then ran around throwing food like little poopy babies whose diapers needed to be changed. “We’re gonna have to explain to the restaurant that we’re from Jersey” bellows Siggy. “Let’s not kid each other, my IQ is a lot higher than these girls. Since you guys act like animals, I’m gonna act like an animal too. You guys can go fuck yourselves.” The woman is in an absolute frenzy. “Next time you bring your friends to my fucking town, you better make sure they don’t act like this” she is saying to no one in particular. I think she is talking to herself at this point.

The next morning, all of the women are back at their hotel rooms getting each of their by-contract vacation phone calls in before the day begins. Siggy is on the phone with her husband, who asks “did you girls get ‘babala’ last night?” “Yeaaaa, we got babala”, she replies solemnly. For the record, I cannot stand the woman, but I’m using “babala” to describe myself at all times from now on. She’s still furious about the incident with the cake and is recanting it to her husband. “It was a five hundred pound cake” she says. No, it was not. And why would you ever order anything close to five hundred pounds of cake for six petite ladies.

Back in Jersey, Dolores’ son is getting yelled at by her ex husband. The son looks like one of the people from One Direction and the ex husband (they’re both named Frank) is clearly on ‘roids what with his big rectangular head, and throbbing red face and body. His neck is incredibly beefy and it’s got all big veins in it which are moving about under his thin flesh angrily while he yells. Yuck. I’m fast forwarding this.

Back in Boca Raton the girls are loading up into a van to head to yoga at the beach. Siggy and Dolores haven’t responded to the group text and are both no-shows this morning, and the chatter immediately turns to gossip. “Okay. I was a little ‘woot woot’ last night” begins Danielle (and for the record, I’m describing myself as ‘a little woot woot’ from now on as well). “But how fucking dare she say that she’s more intelligent than anybody else.” Teresa doesn’t understand why she was so mad about the cake fight. “That’s what you’re supposed to do when it’s someone’s birthday” she says. (It is??) “Remember when she threw the wine?” asks Danielle, flashing back to the moment from the dinner before the cake was thrown when Siggy screamed “I CAN’T TALK ABOUT IT ANYMORE” about her husband and then dumped her red wine all over the table.

At yoga, Danielle is looking like the exorcist, and her bones are bending every which way. “Wow. That’s why she was engaged nineteen times” quips Melissa.

Dolores and Siggy have decided to get smoothies. Siggy has taken to sobbing loudly about the cake fiasco now. “I promised myself I wouldn’t cry.” Her fruit smoothie is laced with at least three Klonopin and an Ambien.

Back at the beach when suddenly a man with a giant wreath made entirely of roses approaches Margaret and directs her to another gentleman who is holding a surfboard. Margaret has apparently prepared a ceremonial sending out of the wreath to sea in honor of Teresa’s mother’s passing. “Even though I only met Teresa thirty-six hours ago, I felt the need to do this” says Margaret in her testimonial. One wonders where you could even get a large rose wreath beach delivery processed in that amount of time, but hey, who am I to ask questions. Watch part of the emotional rose ceremony below:

Back in the van and Siggy and Dolores are piling in to join the girls to go play tennis at Siggy’s friend Lori’s house. “The tension’s so thick you can cut it with an ax, not even a knife” says Margaret in her confessional. The phrase doesn’t necessarily make much sense at all, but I’m picking up what she’s putting down. Before they walk into her friend’s giant Boca Raton mansion, Siggy asks the girls to come gather in a circle so she can give them a behavior lesson. “I feel like last night things got a little bit too far. That cake was flung like halfway across the room. I’m just hoping that tennis rackets don’t go flying.” It’s a little out of touch and all of the women are appropriately annoyed. “You fucking kidding me?” Teresa whispers to Melissa.

At lunch, Danielle is recanting the nice rose ceremony Margaret had planned at the beach and Siggy Flicker is out of her mind with panic and anger at the mere mention of this. “How disrespectful can you be to plan a whole memorial and not call me. I brought Margaret in. Where’s the respect?” she is saying in her testimonial. Dolores is also beside herself with anger about this. “I wish I could play tennis just so I could backhand this bitch” she is saying. There’s a lot of misplaced animosity here.

Meanwhile, Siggy has for some reason arranged a swim lesson for Teresa with a big large man with huge muscles and a long, silky ponytail. As soon as she gets out of the water Danielle is waiting for her poolside with a series of questions. “Was it hard?” she asks, in reference to the gentleman’s penis. “No” replies Teresa. “As soon as we got into the water it was all shriveled up.”

Before a planned dinner that evening, the two camps of women are both getting all heated. Dolores and Siggy are all fired up expecting an apology from all of the other women for what happened with the cake. Meanwhile the rest of the women are all dressed up in a van and shrieking down the highway about how they all need Siggy to apologize for her comment about having the highest IQ. “Don’t insult me” says Danielle, and I can tell we’re headed somewhere where a lot of items are going to be thrown around and a lot of screaming banshees will all be yelling violently at one another.

Upon their arrival at Siggy’s Boca Raton apartment, the women are all a bit flustered when the walls are covered with hundreds of pics from dozens of photo shoots of Siggy in all different outfits. “Wow is this all of your personalities?” Melissa asks before the camera pans to a photograph of Siggy strumming an electric guitar and wearing one of Bret Michael’s signature cowboy hats. “There’s literally a shrine to Siggy. Life size pictures of Siggy. Little pictures of Siggy. Who has pictures of themselves in the bathroom?” asks Margaret in her testimonial.

Upstairs, a team of chefs is waiting to cook the women dinner, and Danielle has drool pouring out of her mouth in the direction of one of the chefs who Dolores introduces to them as “Sexz Chef”. “This is Sexz Chef” she announces. “Ah yea, slap it. Slap it, break it” Danielle giggles at him while he is just trying to prepare food.

Dolores is already going off the rails and going “this is cocoa for Cocoa Puffs” about every little interaction she is having. Once they’re all seated and eating crab cakes, she takes right off. “There was a cake thrown. I had it validated by my dear friend Lori today, who told me I was right. You guys threw me under the bus for not apologizing to me first thing in the morning.” Things are really taking a dive when Margaret refers to her as “Soggy Flicker with all the crying.” Dolores and Siggy are fit to be tied. “You don’t get it” they are barking. “What am I, a kindergarten teacher? I expect my friends to have a level of class when you’re in a public place” Siggy shouts. “Well that’s the pot calling the kettle black” retaliates Margaret. “I went out to dinner with you two nights in a row and you caused a scene beyond belief”, as footage rolls of Siggy walking into New York Prime and screaming “HI EVERYBODYYYYYYYYYYY YEEAAAAAAAAAAAA” at the top of her lungs. “Fine. Continue going out and acting like trash” Siggy fires. “Trashy, trashy, trashy” she yells, clapping her big, giant hands together. Melissa is reasonably fed up at this point. “Are you okay? Are you on drugs or something?” she inquires, as she gathers her belongings and gets up to leave. “I’m done” she announces. “No one calls me and my sister-in-law trash” Teresa says, following closely behind her, the other women in tow. “Your crab cakes were salty anyway.” Watch part of the argument below:

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