Hey Pussies, Trade in Those Fancy IPAs You’ve Been Drinking for ‘Vaginal Beer’

Order of Yoni

Some sick fuckers in Poland have developed a vagina-infused beer. We desperately wish we were playing an early April Fools joke on you, but sadly we’re just as horrified as you are. The company is called “The Order of Yoni” and they’ve launched pre-sales for distributors. There’s an IndieGoGo campaign. Go find the link yourself, we don’t want to be involved.

So, this beer is called “Bottled Instinct” and is described as follows: “Sour ale containing femininity, sensuality, charm, passion, sexuality by using vaginal lactobacillus bacteria in the brewing process.”

See this model?

Order of Yoni

Her name is Alexandra Brendlova and these dudes chose her vaginal lactic acid to brew with. Apparently she just had that “je ne sais quoi.” On the website’s FAQ page they address her “past.” It reads, “I know what you mean. Yes, every model in the beer project has to sign the contract with high penalty for working in adult industry, sex industry, as adult actress, escort, prostitute, etc., etc., etc.”

Another common question is: “Is it safe?” It is.

Yes, of course. Firstly, during the isolation, the material is examined on presence of other bacteria and viruses. Secondly, the bacteria grows on special medium that allows only lactobacillus bacteria to grow. Thirdly, what is the most important part of the security assurance, is the examination of final multiplied lyophilized bacteria before using in preparation of starter kit. The lyophilized bacteria are examined on presence of alien DNA and / or RNA, so we are 100% sure that only lactobacillus bacteria, no other bacteria and no viruses are in final product.

Fine, we’ll leave you with the link to the website while we go throw up. Cheers!

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Kelly Chambers is a graduate of the University of Miami, where she double majored in Film and Psychology. This means she excels at overanalyzing things at an advanced level. When she's not filling out job applications she can usually be found at happy hour, at any establishment which serves some variation of spicy tuna, or on her parents' couch playing blackjack on her Kindle.

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