If someone would have told me two years ago that I would be this happy I would have laughed in their face.
You see, I had a plan. I was going to graduate from university, get married, pop out a kid or two and call it a day. This had always been “the plan”, something I thought I wanted and for some reason something I thought I needed.
The thing about planning is that you can’t fully know what the future has in store for you and I learned that the hard way.
I went from having the perfect plan to having everything derail in front of my eyes. From graduating to my relationship everything began to fall apart. I felt paralyzed, I felt ashamed and most of all I let everyone that I love including myself down. For the first time, I felt like I brought shame to my family. It was the first time I felt pity from my friends. I had this constant feeling of exhaustion, I was repulsed with myself.
I had gotten so low and had hit a point of what I thought was no return that I simply gave up. Although people shy away from using this term I will go out and say it, I was depressed. Although I was able to mask this sadness with a superficial smile, the reality was that inside, I was starting to feel nothing.
Although I was aware how much love and support I had around me I had no love for myself. I didn’t want to be around anymore, I wanted to disappear into the darkest corners of the world. I had hit rock bottom to the point where looking at myself in the mirror made me nauseous- I hated the person I had become. I saw myself turning into a shell of the woman I once was and getting further away from the woman I want to be.
You know, they say being at the top can be lonely, but let me tell you something I learned, that pit of darkness, way down in the gutter is the loneliest place you can ever live. I remained in my state of brokenness for longer than I would like to admit.
One day, I woke up and simply made a choice. I chose to accept my mistakes, my failures, my pain and my choices. I accepted my reality and made a choice to change it. The mistakes I had made became part of my story, instead of what would end it. I began to focus on what I wanted for myself, not on what everyone around me expected of me.
The greatest thing you can do for yourself when you hit rock bottom is to pull yourself out. No matter how impossible it may seem, no matter how weak you have become, you need to find it within yourself to fight back. I fought in a war. I was battling with that little voice inside my head telling me I should just give up and that poisonous voice almost won. I fought a war within myself and I came out victorious.