Real Writers. Real Opinions. No Boundaries.

I’ve Been Out of College For Two Years, Here’s The Shit Worth Remembering


While many people are trying to desperately hold onto the final week of summer, there are some folks out there preparing for their first bout with collegiate life.

Yes, you remember it well, the third week of August, a time that calls for all of the fresh, naive, first-semester-meat to make their way over to their homes for the next 4-years (ideally).

So little time, so much money to spend on pointless shit. 

Rest assured, there will be some sort of ridiculous, obligatory get-to-know-us-icebreaker-orientation-thing, but it won’t teach you jack all of what you need to know (that’s also par for the course with, you guessed it, 90% of your GenEd curriculum). So I’m here to offer my old maid services.

Consider me your spirited guide into the life of paying hundreds-of-thousands of dollars for a piece of paper.

  1. Do NOT, I repeat do NOT buy your books at the “school store.” If they con you into buying some book that’s coupled with a specific pin number or student ID online nonsense, then yes, you have to, but otherwise stick to Amazon. If Amazon doesn’t have it any cheaper, make sure your professor puts a copy in the library and photocopy the entire-fucking-thing. It may take 2 hours, but think about all of the poor decisions that can be made with that extra 300-dollars under your belt.
  2. Buy groceries (even if it’s just bread, milk, and cheese). I recognize that you most likely have some sort of meal plan or meal card but it’s not unlimited. It will run out (and fast). You can’t shop with that, it’s really just meant for meals when you’re in the cafeteria or what have you.
  3. Don’t be gross. Do your laundry as often as your mother would! Bed sheets = every 2 weeks.
  4. Do me a favor, don’t do adderall unless you have a prescription. I promise that your natural ability to study will kick in. After all, it’s what got you through 12 years of schooling thus far. If you want to be an asshole who waits until the night before a 10 page paper is due to start writing, own it.
  5. Speaking of papers, adjust the size of all periods to 12.5 or even 13 if you’re feeling frisky. It’ll lengthen it somewhat.
  6. Start dabbling with APA and Chicago Style. That MLA shit isn’t going to cut it anymore, if it does, congratulations, you picked the right major.
  7. When it comes to majors, if you DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT TO DO DON’T FUCKING DECLARE ONE. 
  8. If you’re going into the arts, I admire you. Don’t gravitate towards what’s safe. I know it’s scary, but it’s also worth it. It may, eventually, definitely maybe, payoff one day.
  9. Sleep. Sleep is more important than anything else.
  10. Have fun. Keep the stress low. Get good grades. Eat a vegetable whenever you can and wait to be  disappointed by adult life.




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