Oh Mooch, we hardly knew ye!
Just ten days after being hired as the White House’s new Director of Communications, Anthony Scaramucci was fired today. Word from the White House is that Mooch was cut loose because the president and his family were angry about that instantly infamous, vulgarity-filled New Yorker interview.
However, just moments ago, we here at NewsCult received a strange, heavily encoded e-mail from someone claiming to be close to the situation in the Oval Office, who would only identify themselves as “Preince Riebus.”
We’re guessing it’s Steve Bannon.
Anyway, the message revealed the real reason for Scaramucci’s unceremonious dumping: apparently, the stress of the new job caused a mental breakdown, and Mooch is now behaving under the delusion that he is Henry Hill, the main character in Martin Scorsese’s gangster classic GoodFellas.
Preince Riebus provided us with a list of 8 pieces of evidence to prove this claim.
We present them below, totally unaltered:
- Insisted on taking calls from President Trump via a complicated system involving telephone booths and written messages hidden in spicy sausage hoagies. Also called President Trump “Pauly,” which is not his first name. It is, in fact, Donald.
- Responded with hostility to simple requests. For example, when asked for the daily briefings plan, would invariably respond by snarling, “Need the daily briefings plan? Fuck you, pay me!” Needless to say, it was highly inappropriate.
- Pistol whipped Steven Miller in the face because he thought that he had sexually assaulted his wife. No one really noticed, because Steven’s face kinda naturally has a pistol whipped quality to it.
- Referred to every White House page as either Peter or Paul, and every secretary as Marie. These were never their actual names.
- When asked if he had completed a task, any task, he would invariably respond by getting cagey and replying, “What thing? You mean that Brooklyn thing?” The White House is, in fact, located in Washington D.C., not Brooklyn.
- Blamed the demise of his marriage on “that whore in 2R, Rossi, Janice Rossi.” As far as my research shows, no such person exists.
- As I was leaving the White House on Friday, his last words to me were “make sure you keep stirring the sauce, you don’t want it to stick.” I was not stirring sauce at the time.
- According to various eyewitnesses, as he was being escorted out of the White House today, he told onlookers that he had to “drive his babysitter home” in order for her to “grab her lucky hat” that she “never flies without.” Obviously there are many logical fallacies here.