WASHINGTON—The Federal Bureau of Investigation has published the first half of their preliminary crime report for the year 2014. As most of the statistics varied by region and population, the report reveals that comparable to previous years, murder-suicides are on the rise. On the flip side, suicide-murders are holding fast at 0%.
“As a nation, crime rates have been in a steady decline over the years,” stated Michael P. Kortan, spokesperson for the FBI, “Unfortunately, we saw a slight rise in murder-suicides this past year. But once again there was no change in suicide-murders; those numbers seem to be pretty set in stone.”
The study states that nearly 5% of all murders in the United States are in the form of murder-suicides. Suicide-murders account for 0% percent of these crimes, which has not wavered over any amount of time.
How is this possible?
It seems that once a person commits suicide, that is, killing one’s self, they are somehow unable to complete any plans they may have had to physically harm another person.
Said Carol Winters, a professor of Psychology at the University of Phoenix, “It’s the whole ‘being dead’ thing that really stifles a suicide-murder from occurring. Once the first half of the suicide-murder is completed, that is usually as far as the act goes. It just becomes a simple suicide, which only creates victims who are emotionally scarred.”
This reporter was curious as to how a suicide-murder might actually occur, hypothetically. Maybe by jumping out of a window and onto another person? Perhaps through an elaborate (and somewhat silly) Rube Goldberg machine laced with pulleys, weathervanes, and bowling balls where my lifeless corpse sets the machine in motion?
“If you were to use a device to end another person’s life after you have already killed yourself,” said Winters tiredly, “it still will not technically count as murder seeing as how you cease to be a person once you’re dead; you simply become an object that sets another object in motion, and that’s no way to live. At best, you would probably only be charged with manslaughter.”
But what about ghosts? If a person commits suicide and then later terrorizes a nice young family who got a great deal on your house, could that count? Ms. Winters? Hello?