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Psoriatic Arthritis: The Disease You’ve Heard of Only If You Have It


It looks like the mainstream media has once again skipped right over those of you who are suffering with Psoriatic Arthritis, including any news regarding treatment, triggers, or symptoms for that matter. Well, fear no more! We here at Newscult are bound and determined to talk about this terrible disease and we’re going to start by first finding out what the heck it is, because we don’t have it, you see. None of us have it.

Let’s start with what we know about it: nothing. We know absolutely nothing about Psoriatic Arthritis.

Now, the “Psoriatic” part sounds like the worst section of it. That’s the heavy-hitter right there, the “Psoriatic,” if you ask me. You don’t want to go screwing around with your psoria…? Is that right? You know what? It’s early. Let’s skip the psoriatic and get to the second part. We’ll slay that dragon in a minute, I promise.

But the “arthritis” part of it; that sounds familiar. I’ve heard of arthritis before. It’s something old people get in their hands while they’re gardening with their grandkids, because kids love gardening. Done. Shoot, that was way too fast. Way to pre-jack that load of intellect, Mike!

Okay, no more avoiding the big word at the front. Psoriatic! Okay, Mike. Take a breath. Psoriatic… what is that, Dutch? I’m trying to remember a time in my life where I might have been playing a sport or wandering around in the dark and I might have hit something and gone, “Gah! My Psoriatic!” But nothing comes to mind.

I can’t even find it in the dictionary! Are you sure you guys aren’t just making this up? Is Psoriatic Arthritis the latest Chuck Norris joke? Is Psoriatic Arthritis going around and slamming revolving doors, lighting fires by rubbing two ice cubes together? Maybe I should work on another article idea.

No, Mike. No, no, no. We’re not switching articles. We’re not taking the coward’s way out. We’re speaking for those poor, sad, pathetic Psoriatics who can’t speak for themselves because their psoriats are…broken…? No? Why is this so hard?? All right, we’re getting to the bottom of this, regardless of what we might discover. This is Newscult, dammit!

What do you mean, “It starts with a ‘PS’”? Well, what the hell is that?? Now I know you’re making this shit up. I can see why you folks are having so much trouble getting the word out about this. You’ve hidden it behind pseudo-intellectual spelling.

(Scoff) Just where do you get the nerve? Maybe if you dropped the arrogance down a peg and stopped farting in empty wine glasses at parties, you could get the help you need.

Unless…oh. Oh, god, I feel so stupid. I can’t believe this. I’m sorry. I’m just so sorry. It’s a chick thing, isn’t it? I think I just cracked the code. I’m so sorry for flying off the handle like that. Of course! It has something to do with your lady parts! Duh!! What a relief! That was terribly unprofessional of me, all that stuff I said earlier. It’s just…I had a deadline and I bought these new slippers and there’s this knot of fabric on the inside that is rubbing against my toe…

Ladies, I’m sorry. That was wrong of me to lose my cool. But it’s okay! It’s okay because Michael is here. Check it:

Psoriatic Arthritis: The Disease Exclusively For Females That Prevents Them from Gardening!

The word is out, gals. Expect a cure in 3 weeks. You’re welcome.

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