It feels like just yesterday Apple blessed us with Touch ID. No more swiping to unlock, or even to pay for things, just the placement of your thumb on a button. You know America, we’re a nation of innovation. It really was only a matter of time before the option of using your penis to unlock your phone was put on the table…
The webcam platform CamSoda is the freak or genius behind this idea- you decide. They’re launching an intimate, to say the least, new way to secure your account. They call it, “Dick-ometrics” and as you could probably guess uses your penis print as an identification method.
Regardless if you’re actually considering this I’m sure you’re curious as to how it works. Starting today you will be able to replace your traditional password with a dick pic. To do this, you’ll need to provide an establishing shot of your little guy. Yes, this is the moment you’ve been waiting for. The one that proves you were right to keep those pictures of your own penis hanging out in your camera roll. Once established, you log in and they will use their “proprietary Penis Recognition Tech” to match your penis to the initial photo.
This is just to get the idea rolling, the eventual plan is to be able to use a penisprint. Yes, a finger print for your dick. You would whip out your longest friend and place him/her (not judging) on the reader and wait for some beeps and bops and then you’re in! “Wouldn’t a figure print be an easier and well, cleaner form of security?” It’s 2017, we have worked too hard to transgress in terms of security measures. This had to be done.
Darren Press elaborates on the advantages of the penisprint to the typical fingerprint,
“Like a fingerprint and an eyeball, which are two of most commonly used body parts in biometric technologies, the penis has many, many differentiating factors like size, color, and vein protrusion. However, unlike fingerprints and eyeballs, penises are not exposed to the public a lot of the time and mostly kept under clothing and shared with loved ones – presumably who are trusted.”
Now that ladies and gentlemen, is someone thinking with their head.