I love shopping, always have, always will. I’m not one of those women who don’t understand the power of spending money on materialistic things. In fact, I am the opposite. I advocate bettering your life by stocking up on as much materialistic shit as possible (especially when you’re upset). Just remember, you can’t take the money with you when you die, emirate? I mean, you can leave it to your family members, which is noble, I respect that, but just for the purposes of this article let’s presume you’re an asshole like I am.
Here’s my gripe though. Shopping for men is fucking painful. No matter how much of an understanding you have of the gentleman you’re shopping for it’s still, in my estimation, like trying to crack The Da Vinci Code (minus Nicholas Cage, he’s creepy). Just Googled the movie, realized it was Tom Hanks, I love Tom Hanks, my apologies. Fuck you Nicholas Cage, just because.
Anyway, let me list some shit now:
- Do men like floral?! I don’t know. I fucking love floral. I’m already upset.
- Leggings are my favorite thing and I just don’t know if that’s something I can purchase for a man who doesn’t have the first name Peter and the last name Pan.
- T-shirts are safe, right? Graphic Tees? AGAIN, I don’t know. I love a quirky t-shirt, what if he’s too embarrassed to wear it. What if he doesn’t get the punny-nature of the tee. It’s too much.
- Do men shop where I shop? Where do I even shop?
- You know where I shop mostly? MAC, Ulta, and The Lord & Taylor makeup counter. Let’s just rule that the fuck out now…
- Pants for men? How do I gauge what size they are? There really shouldn’t be any “butt too big” issues, but who am I to really assume that?
- Men’s shoes. Okay…I understand that’s a thing, but what does it entail? Dress shoes? Sneakers? There’s no heel element, so I’m at a loss. Knee high boots? Suede? Sounds good. Swipe card. They’re for me.
- Boxers? Briefs? Should any grown woman be buying any grown male underwear?
- Men’s socks are so much more versatile. This is the only upside of this experience.
- Men don’t carry purses do they? Tote bags? No? I’m done. Except for buying myself stuff…that can continue